Authenticity & happiness

As we age, it seems that authenticity becomes more important than ever. We want to shed masks, roles, ideas and beliefs that no longer fit for us. We don't care as much about what other people think. We simply want to enjoy life and be who we really were meant to be. ...and perhaps not conform quite so much!

This can mean doing things we were too reserved to do before. Perhaps we felt restricted by needing to provide guidelines for our children. Or it may have been because of a job or our position in the community. It's not that we completely throw caution to the wind—but it simply isn't quite so important anymore if our neighbors (or even complete strangers) think we're odd for doing what we do!

Because of this, I really loved what I read about comedian, actress, writer, producer and fashion designer Melissa McCarthy (remember her from "Saturday Night Live" and her Sean Spicer parodies?) in a spring issue of AARP The Magazine.

In the article, McCarthy is quoted as saying, "I've never minded getting older. ... The older you are, the more interesting you are as a character. ... You become more you." She goes on to answer the question of what kind of woman she'd like to be when she's her mom's age: "I hope a crazy one. I always say, 'Once I hit 70, it's going to be all caftans and turbans and big wacky glasses.' I'm more than halfway there. I see these years ahead as a time to say, 'What does it matter? You want to wear daisy prints? Who cares!' Getting older means knowing yourself, and if you know yourself, express it. That ripples out. It makes the world a happier place. When you're in line for coffee and the older lady in front of you has a daisy-print blouse and a smile on her face and something to say about the world, you feel the magic of it."

Yes! I love it. You don't have to wear a daisy print, a caftan or a turban. Just be yourself—and don't be afraid to be different from the crowd. Be happy. It'll be catchy ... and make the world a happier place. At the least, you'll be happy!

Be intentional. Live awake and aware.

AARP CEO Jo Ann Jenkins has written a book titled Disrupt Aging: A Bold New Path to Living Your Best Life at Every Age. She opens the book with a challenge that's worth thinking about:

If you knew you were going to live to be 100, what would you do differently today?

Would you eat differently? Exercise more?

Would you repair some broken relationships? Spend more time with those you love and who are supremely important to you? Reach out to make new friends?

Retire earlier? Or find a gratifying way to spend retirement, whether volunteering or in a third-stage-of-life career or simply playing more?

Would you write your life story for your children and grandchildren as a way to pass on your legacy?

Or would you travel to those places you'd always wanted to visit?

Do the things on your bucket list? Or create a bucket list, if you've not already done so?

It's worth reflecting on this if we want to be intentional about how we spend the moments, days and years that are given to us. Let us not sleepwalk through life and reach our final days with regret for the things we haven't done. Today is the day to start making any changes you desire.

It takes age and youth working together

It's important no matter what age you are—whether at the young end of the spectrum or the mature end—to feel confident about your gifts and your usefulness to society. Sadly, we often hear negative comments about either end of the spectrum. Young people are too lazy and unwilling to put in the hard work and long hours required, we're told. And older people are told they're unproductive and over-the-hill in addition to being too expensive to keep in the work force. Just a side thought here: Some people are referring to us older members of the population as "perennials" because we blossom again and again. We're not finished just because the number "65" figures into our lives!

So one study done in an auto plant discovered something that really just sounds like common sense to me. Researchers studied teams comprising all young workers, teams of older workers and still other teams that were mixed. Can you guess which ones were more productive? I'm sure you can. Yup, the mixed groups. They had the knowledge and experience of older workers and the skill and speed of the younger ones.

That really doesn't seem surprising, does it? So it is important that we adjust our attitudes and realize it takes age and youth working together to make a healthy society. Let's appreciate each other and work together! It's called balance.

90 days to a new habit

Here's another suggestion from the article on staying healthy as we age from the February/March issue of AARP: The Magazine:

"GIVE A NEW ACTIVITY 90 DAYS. Research shows that most life changes take at least three months to become a habit. That was true for me. When I started running, I pledged to stick with it for three months. Sure enough, in that time I saw my health and life markedly improve."

I don't know about you, but I can so easily give up on a new habit before it's really become a habit. I think, Well, I tried long enough and it really didn't work. Or I drop it without even consciously thinking that I'm doing so—simply slipping back into old (and perhaps unhealthy) habits!

Mostly, I must confess, it's the latter. Perhaps it's just the path of least resistance—returning to the way I did things before.

Being reminded again that it really does take a while—three months, in fact—for a habit to stick is good for me to hear. And notice the words "at least" that precede "three months" in the quote. So that 90 days is a minimum, not a maximum.

What change or new habit would help you toward healthier aging?

Health and aging

I read this advice in the February/March 2018 issue of AARP: The Magazine in an article on taking care of ourselves as we age: "BEEF UP YOUR BRAIN. Although cat videos may be addictive, they don't improve your focus the way puzzles or knitting or woodworking projects can. And if you don't have the energy to do more than watch TV, stream an online course or TED talk—to feed your mind."

Now that dementia and Alzheimer's are hitting large numbers of Americans, there is a lot of focus on brain health. And surely as we age, it is a good thing to be sure we continue to challenge ourselves mentally with puzzles, word games, learning new things, hobbies and projects, reading books and more. There are so many ways we can introduce healthy brain habits into our lives.

One book I might recommend for you is Brain Changers 365: Build a Better Brain with 7 Activities Each Day by Lorene Lenning, Oscar Lenning and Alisha Solan. This wonderful book contains a short set of brain exercises for each day of the year that can be done in as little as five minutes. Each of the seven short daily questions or exercises calls on a different part of the brain from memory to problem-solving and more.

It's all about aging well and self-care. What are you doing today to stay healthy and age well?

Living between two delights

Letting go is one of the primary tasks of people in the second half of life. By that time, we have gathered so much material "stuff," and we have also gathered a good deal of internal "stuff"—anger, old resentments, things unforgiven and held tightly for years, old behaviors that no longer work (perhaps never did) and so much more.

Letting go is easier for some people than for others. But it's not necessarily easy for anyone. Take a look today and see what you might be holding onto that could be weighing you down or holding you back. Think how great it will feel to let go of some of that—to simply let some things fall away. 

Author Phillip Harnden says this: "We take delight in things; we take delight in being loosed from things. Between these two delights, we must dance our lives."

Yes! It is both/and, isn't it? And somewhere between those two things, we live. Perhaps today is a good day for you to examine where on that line between you wish to cast your lot for now! From what can you be loosed?

Making peace with aging

I can't tell you the number of conversations I've had lately with various people in a variety of places in which the topic of aging has come up. Along with that topic, invariably the issues of illness and decline emerge. And nearly always someone will quip, "Aging isn't for sissies." Indeed, it isn't.

So when I read today in Suzanne Braun Levine's book, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, that sociologist Pepper Schwartz had said the following, I was reminded that this is the other side of the coin:

"The only reward for aging is a sense of some honest friendship with yourself, where you get to know yourself—you make peace with the things you are and you aren't." She added that you see your life "filtered through a unique lens rather than a cultural one."

Levine then adds, "In other words, intimacy begins at home. Before you can establish your authority, you need to know the sound of your own voice. Before you can take up space, you must be aware of your boundaries—and your reach."

Sometimes we need those reminders that aging isn't all about decline and new illnesses we never wanted. It is also a wonderful stage of life when we are comfortable in our own skin, where we have become friends to ourselves and have made peace with our experiences and how we've faced them. It's a time when we can own what we can and can't do.

So, yes, aging isn't for sissies—and it also isn't a time to long for the "good old days" of youth when we lacked confidence and a knowledge of ourselves. Stand tall in the truth and beauty of who you are now. Name it. Claim it.

Stages & ages

Today my second oldest granddaughter turns 18. I love hanging out with her (and with each of my grandchildren). Several of them are teens already. And I'm so aware that each stage of their lives has been precious and such a joy. I loved when they were small, and I could snuggle them and read to them. Then when they were toddlers, it was fun to see how their personalities developed. Soon they were old enough to go with me, one-on-one, for day-long "grandma days" and overnight visits. What fun we have had with those times. Now that several are teens, we can discuss all manner of topics and talk adult-to-adult. I treasure each stage.

It isn't only children who go through life stages. We do, too. At my age now, I think about all the stages of my life thus far—and I reflect on what's ahead. I want to stay alive and vibrant, savoring my days and not focusing on the negative parts of aging. I have heard people say they wish they could go back to their 20s or 30s before body limitations and some forgetfulness set in. But we'd give up other things at the same time—all the wisdom we've gained through life experiences, both good and bad, for example.

One of my favorite books these days is The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully by Joan Chittister. With chapter titles that represent qualities such as agelessness, loneliness, forgiveness, limitations, success and wisdom, Chittister calls us to see the blessings of aging even while being honest and real about its burdens. This book is such a positive one; and when I need inspiration about the aging process, it's one to which I turn regularly.

How do you feel about your aging process?

Aging & possibilities

How do you see the aging process? Retirement? Are you looking at those things through the eyes of discontinuity, of endings? Yes, they contain endings. And it's important to take stock of those, grieve if you feel the loss of those endings. And then you'll be free to see possibilities.

Yes, possibilities. So much can yet lie ahead. So many choices. What really excites you? Makes you get out of bed in the morning? Or haven't you felt that in several years? Perhaps you've had or still have a job that doesn't energize you. What would change how you feel about it? A job change? An attitude change? Or is retirement possible?

Just know you have choices. You always have a choice about things—if not about what you do, then about how you see what you do.

It's always so energizing to think of possibilities.

If you are heading into retirement—or even thinking about that—see the potential of it. You'll get to create new routines, try new activities, perhaps even find some new friends to add to your current circle, develop talents within you that never have had a chance for expression. And perhaps you'll find your way into a new comfort with life, with yourself and with others. These years can be rich and full. They truly can be the best years of your life. So much depends on what happens between your ears! Check out your attitude and see whether a change is needed.

Aging & attitude

Last Friday we discussed the quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption on whether to get busy living or busy dying. In the last couple days, I went back to a book I really love about aging well. Written by Joan Chittister, it's called The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully.

Underscoring what the movie line said, Chittister writes, "It is unnecessary to consider ourselves useless—unless we choose to be useless. It is unnecessary to think of ourselves as diminished—unless we allow ourselves to diminish in heart and mind.

"The point is that there are two approaches to aging: passive aging and active aging. Passive aging gives way to the creeping paralysis of the soul that goes with the natural changes of the body. ... Active aging cooperates with the physical effects of age by adjusting to a change of pace. ... Active aging requires us to go on living life to the full no matter how differently."

Again, we have a choice. We can get busy living or get busy dying. Our attitude toward aging makes all the difference.

Mid-life: An open door

In her book Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh talks about our middle years as a time of shedding. She writes: "One is afraid. Naturally. Who is not afraid of pure space—that breath-taking empty space of an open door? But despite fear, one goes through to the room beyond."

And when we go through to that room beyond, we can be free. As Lindbergh says, "Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!" She asks, "For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a kind of second adolescence?"

And then being able to concentrate on our inner life, on who we really were created to be, much freer of masks and armor than ever before, we move forward far lighter—like the caterpillar that has been transformed into a butterfly. This may look like a withdrawal from the world, an isolation of sorts. But it's not really that, as Kathleen Fischer says in her book Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life. "...a strong inner life enables us to move outward with fewer conflicts and greater clarity. It solidifies our sense of self and our values. It is difficult to really love others if we cannot love ourselves, and hard to love a true self that remains deeply hidden. What feels like emptiness inside us may be a self that we do not know, one that has never been loved."

Wow! These middle years and beyond are so full of promise. This is not a time for despair. A time for boredom or hopelessness. Adventure awaits. Take the journey through that open door—into the room beyond!

How do you want to age?

Author May Sarton saw aging as a time of growth. Does that surprise you? In her journal At Seventy, she wrote, "I suppose I have always believed that one must live as though one were dying—and we all are, of course—because then the priorities become clear."

She also wrote, "...it is only when one is dying ... that one is allowed to shut life out and concentrate on 'the real connections'." Further, she said she loved being old because "I am more myself than I have ever been. There is less conflict. I am happier, more balanced, and ... better able to use my powers."

As you age, does that resonate with you? I do believe that, at least if we do our inner work, we reach that point where we integrate our inner and outer worlds. In other words, we want our actions to be completely compatible with our values and beliefs. That is how we get to be "more myself" as we age. That's how we have "less conflict" and how we're "more balanced."

It's all about choices. You and I get to choose how we age. True, we cannot choose whether we deal with illnesses. But we can choose whether or not we'll grow as we age. We choose our attitudes. We choose how much we wish to integrate inner and outer selves.

Do you have a vision for how you want to age? For who you want to be when you get older? Now is the time!

The beauty in aging

As we age, it's so easy to look at the glass half empty rather than half full. We remember all the things we used to be able to do that we can't any longer. We think of how we used to look without the wrinkles, age spots and added weight. Or we bemoan the fact that we didn't attain the dreams we thought we might.

But how sad is that—to let yesterday steal today? No matter what we're facing at the moment, surely there are things that call us to gratitude and celebration. Even when we've lost some of our capabilities through aging, we've sharpened others. We have more experience now and that brings a wealth of perspective and insight.

The blessings are there, and we'll notice them more if we stop focusing on the burdens and losses. Take time to grieve those losses (small and large) that really matter to you. And then be ready to let go and move on so that you can pay more attention to the positives in your life.

Make a list of all those blessings and positives if that will help you notice them. Don't forget the small things—and the intangibles. Often those are the things we notice more as we age, perhaps because we have more time to smell the roses.

Savor and enjoy. Aging really can have a beauty all its own. It's all in the attitude!

Keep dreaming

Don't ever think you're too old to dream. Long ago I heard that we don't keep dreams alive—dreams keep us alive. Until we breathe our last, we will want to have some dream to give us hope, something to work toward.

I just coached a woman in her 80s who said she'd pretty much done it all. But she's looking for some changes, something new in her life to get her jazzed again. How inspiring is that?

As Sister Joan Chittister says in her book The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully, "To stay alive, fully alive, then, we must open ourselves to life's eternal dream. We must dream to be better people tomorrow than we were today. ...we must be willing to rethink all the ideas that have kept us bound until this moment."

Further, she says that "the dreams that determine the ultimate quality of our lives never die, are never too late to be grasped. It is the ability of humans to change their minds, to begin again, to start over, to be someone else."

We can continue changing, evolving—right to the end. That's the good news.

What dreams are keeping you going right now?

Give thought to what's ahead

If you're over 50 years of age, you're nearing the point where there are more years behind you than ahead of you. Since I'm well over 50, I'm fully aware of this fact. And it's okay.

Sometimes when I say this to others, they think I'm being morbid. I don't see it that way. It's realistic. And I actually see it as healthy and hopeful to be aware of this—and to think about what it means. What it means to me is that I don't want to lose time doing things that are meaningless to me. I don't want to waste time holding grudges and not speaking to someone I love. I want to be conscious about my choices.

I want to make good choices so that time will be as happy as it can be—and so the legacy I leave behind for my children, grandchildren and others I love will also be a happy one. I want to make choices about how my time is spent rather than simply sleepwalking through life. I want to live my life as authentically as I can, as true to myself as possible. It's really more than a simple bucket list. It's about how I live out this last stage: Do I want to see my glass half-full or half-empty? Do I want to live in gratitude? Or do I want to get agitated over every little thing that isn't how I think it should be? Do I want to let go and forgive? Or do I want to keep carrying old baggage? You get the idea.

Do you know what you want for your next life stage?

Happy with your age?

Ask 10 women how they feel about their aging process, and you'll likely get 10 different responses. Several may say, "I'd give anything to be 20 (or another younger number) again." Others will say, "I like the age I am right now." And some responses will fall between those poles.

What do you think? Are you happy to be the age you are?

I love what Sue Patton Thoele, psychotherapist and author of The Woman's Book of Confidence: Meditations for Strength and Inspiration, recommends. So as to better focus on the positives as she ages, she adopts a new motto for each decade. For example, she coined "Fifty is Freedom" for herself when she reached that decade. In my sixth decade, I termed it "Sixty is Serenity." You get the idea.

Where are you now? And how can you frame the decade in a positive way? When you name the decade, it might be helpful to journal or simply jot down some of the joys and blessings you've experienced from living as long as you have so far. You just might be surprised when you see your list.

'Old age is not an illness'

How do you feel about your aging process? Positive? Negative? Fearful? Or do you have a sense of adventure about it all, intending to live fully before you die?

Such a variety of attitudes exist around us. And, in fact, in us, too. Our attitudes toward our own aging can change with circumstances—and change as the decades ahead of us become fewer and those behind us add up. But that doesn't have to be the case.

We can decide to be thankful for our aging, no matter what our situation. As author May Sarton said in her later years, "Old age is not an illness; it is a timeless ascent. As power diminishes, we grow more toward the light."

Indeed. It's not an illness. As we "grow more toward the light," our wisdom and understanding increase. When we approach aging with gratitude, we have the opportunity to mellow out and become more calm and serene. When we see it as an adventure full of new possibilities and learnings, we deepen our joy. Isn't that better than fear and dread? It's your choice.

Celebrate life

Today is a good day for a celebration!

Since every day and every hour we have is a gift, it's a good idea to stop every now and again and celebrate that. I know it's easy to complain about the aging process. "I can't do what I used to a few years ago when I was younger." "I forget more and sleep less." "The years are going too quickly, and I still have so much I want to get done." "I have so many aches and pains I didn't have before." On and on we go.

But, still, we are here. We are alive. And much more than that for most of us—we have family, friends, worthwhile work whether paid or volunteer or that we assign to ourselves at home, food, shelter and more. It's a privilege to age.

Isn't that worth celebrating? Isn't that cause for gratitude? Yup, I think so, too.

What kind of party are you throwing for yourself today?

Subtract—don't add

I really love being exposed to the ideas from many sources and many centuries. So much growth and discovery comes from that, at least for me. This thought comes from 13th century German theologian, philosopher and mystic Meister Eckhart: The process of enlightenment is one of subtraction, not addition.

That is, growth and transformation result more from letting go than from adding new things into our lives. Sometimes we spend immense amounts of time and energy searching for that new idea, that new practice, that perfect answer to what's troubling us—when we could better look at what needs to be shed from our lives. That shedding includes old baggage, resentments, fears, anger, limiting beliefs about ourselves and the way we see others and the world "out there" and so much more. It's good to let go of of illusions and beliefs that no longer work (or perhaps never did).

I know I talk a lot about the process of letting go. It just seems essential to authenticity—to traveling light as we age. We seem to spend much of the first half of our lives adding things on as we seek to become the best we can be. And then at a certain age, we realize that it's far more important to boil down to the core of who we truly are. It's essential to become authentic and to stay grounded in what really reflects our values and beliefs. And we realize that we've collected a lot of unnecessary baggage along the way, so it's time to do some clearing out and letting go. Time for decluttering our lives.

This could be the new math for aging: up with subtracting and down with adding.

Replacing wild oats

I often hear people over 50 say that they simply can't do the things they used to do. While that certainly can be true, it's also true that we know and do things we didn't when we were 20—and that's a good thing. It's part of the balance of life. We lose some abilities as we age, and we gain some  abilities. And surely, if we're awake and aware at all, we gain plenty of wisdom.

Yesterday I read in Sue Patton Thoele's The Woman's Book of Spirit: Meditations for the Thirsty Soul an idea that really resonated with me. She wrote, "...in keeping with the saying, 'Given enough time and nourishment, sage will replace wild oats in the garden of life,' midlife usually provides more opportunities for cultivating sage-filled wisdom than do the previous stages...."

Sage-filled wisdom replacing wild oats. Yes! Each stage has its necessary components for growth and for becoming who we were meant to be. What I really want to do is embrace each stage rather than looking back with regret and longing on what was. It doesn't mean my life is perfect now. But I am making choices based on life experience and gathered wisdom—mine and that I've gained from others.

What about you? Are you happy to be right where you are?