Accentuate the positive

So on Wednesday I talked about committing to writing and mailing a thank-you note to someone each day for 30 days. I haven't started yet but I do want to try this. I know it will be good for my attitude!

That brings me to my Thimble List, which I noticed pinned to my office wall. It's been there for a while, but I must confess that I hadn't read it over for some time.

Do you know what a Thimble List is? It's different from a Bucket List (those big-ticket items you want to do before you die). A Thimble List is a list of very small ways to savor life.

Anyway, one of the items I have on mine is: Give at least one compliment each day to someone.

That seems to go hand-in-hand with the idea of a thank-you note to someone each day. It's the idea of noticing the good things others do, isn't it? Complimenting them. Thanking them. It's all about putting good energy out into the atmosphere. It's about building each other up. And it's all about shifting our focus to the good in the world rather than always focusing on the negative things (and there are plenty of those without training our focus on them!).

I've decided it's time to get back to my Thimble List, particularly the compliment-a-day item. What might you put on your Thimble List?

Values and energy

I've had a lot going on in my life in the past several weeks—and it's not nearly over yet. However, I've been thinking that when I get through the experience that's been consuming my time and energy, I'd like to take time to re-evaluate my priorities again.

Every now and again, it's a good idea to look at how we're spending our time and energy. Are the things you say are your top priorities really those areas where your time is spent? Am I putting my highest level of energy into those things that best represent my values? We can all afford to ask such questions of ourselves from time to time.

Who am I now? What's important to me now? If I only had six months left, how would I spend that time?

I don't know how you feel. But I am of the mind that none of those questions is a once-and-done deal. Our priorities can change as we move through life. They can change depending on what experiences we've had that have deeply affected us. Further, we sometimes do what's placed in front of us without regard to what we truly hold dear. The things we value most can sometimes take a back seat to what others think is urgent and put on our plates. We might be reactive rather than proactive.

So stop a while. Take some time to examine your life, your values, and how your time and energy are spent. If you're happy with that, wonderful. If not, it's time for tweaking—or even for substantial change.

Free up your energy and forgive

So Monday we talked about forgiveness. Really, we can't stress it too much. It can be a difficult part of life for most of us, depending on the circumstances. But it's such an important part of life—and of relationship.

Interestingly, I had written Monday's blog last week. Then on Sunday, our pastor preached about forgiveness too. He talked about how we imprison ourselves when we refuse forgiveness to others. That is so true. When I was young, I'm not sure that I heard about that human element of forgiveness. I learned that we forgive because God forgives us. If that's your belief, and it's still mine, that is true. But there's so much more to it—and that is the freedom and release it brings us when we do forgive others. It frees us from a prison and it leads to greater emotional health, peace and joy. I didn't hear about such benefits either at church or at home when I was young, but they are a real and important part of forgiveness. Forgiving also improves our relationships, not only the one(s) directly involved.

Even if, when we forgive a person for some hurt or harm, we can no longer stay in relationship with that particular person, we are emotionally clear and healthier in the rest of our relationships because of that forgiveness. When we carry around anger and withhold forgiveness from one person, it can affect all our other relationships as well.

The benefits of forgiving are immense. Who doesn't want to be freed from the prison of anger and the loss of energy that entails? Carrying around the hurt and anger take more energy from us than we can imagine. It feels so good to let it all go.

You are beautiful!

Following up on last Friday's blog on self-esteem, I like what the authors say in Queen of Your Own Life: Grown-Up Woman's Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve:

"Wouldn't the ultimate gift to yourself be to believe that, no matter what your age, size or circumstances, you are beautiful and then go out into the world reflecting that feeling inside and out? ... Your laughter, struggles, courage and determination up until this point all combine to make a powerful source of energy within you that illuminates your face so that the world can see the remarkable story painted there."

Yes, authors Kathy Kinney and Cindy Ratzlaff have it right. We each have a remarkable story, unique to us; and it's right there in our faces and in our bodies, too. These stories make us who we are—the tough things in our lives and the joyful moments, all of it. What a sense of energy we can draw from that.

No matter what size, weight, age, circumstances, IQ or any other type of measurement, you are beautiful. I am beautiful. For beauty is so much more than what society measures.

Remember that today. Stand tall. Be confident and happy just remembering this!

We all need breaks sometimes

This will be an extremely short post. I'm attending the funeral of a beloved family member, the third member to die since July 1. That coupled with some oral surgery of my own (and waiting for the biopsy results) has left me without much extra energy.

So I decided you might need a break today, too. If you need some inspiration for the day, I invite you to pick an old blog from my archives ... or go to one of your favorite inspirational books and choose something positive to focus your day.

I'll be back. Meanwhile, I hope your day is blessed and beautiful.

How's your energy level?

As you think about all the people in your life—particularly those who are an important part of your daily life—are most of them people who enhance your life and give you energy? Do they invigorate you? Or do they deplete and drain you?

One always hopes that you have more people in your life who make you feel better, open your heart and make you come alive rather than those who suck away your energy and make you feel negative and worn out.

As you think about this, think also about your own attitudes. Are you staying positive? Are you encouraging and affirming of others? Or do you rain on your partner's or friend's parade when he or she has a new idea or wants to try something different?

Check your own attitude. And check those of the people around you. If you want to have energy and be happy and positive, start with your own attitude. And don't let others steal your peace, either. Sometimes it's a matter of tuning out the negative messages of others. And other times, we really need to just walk away from a conversation that's a real downer. And at yet other times, we may even have to leave a friendship that drags us down regularly.

Do an energy audit and see how you fare. It's important to your happiness.

Creativity and energy

Yesterday I got a scam phone call that made me think, "What a waste of creativity and time." Since I don't answer cell phone calls from numbers I don't recognize, the call went into voice mail. Here's what I heard when I pulled off my voice mail, though.

In a fairly strident and forceful voice, a woman said, "This is the IRS. We've been trying to get hold of you for some time. The IRS is bring a lawsuit against you. You need to call back at this number immediately." Uh, I don't think so. For one thing, the IRS doesn't call us. The IRS sends very official looking letters and documents. For another, a lawsuit against me? For what? I pay my taxes, not only on time, but early, in fact. In addition, this is the first such call I've received; so I doubt the IRS has been trying to get hold of me for a long time.

Here's what comes to mind for me at such scams: I think of all the good that could be done in the world if all those who scammed the rest of us in any way at all put their creativity and time to good purposes. I'm thinking the world would be in much better shape. We all would be. The scammers surely would feel better about themselves, wouldn't they?

I can't control what these scammers do, however. What I can control is how I use my creative energy and my time. Are there things I could be doing to help others and serve the community that I'm not now doing? Might I carve out some time to do more? Can I really be creative in what the needs are—and what talents and resources I might have that can help? Instead of just pointing fingers at these scammers, I can use the experience to reflect on how I'm using my life in service to the greater good.

Anger and its energy

Anger is an interesting emotion, isn't it?

We women often are uncomfortable feeling or expressing it. We know the names that can be used for women who are angry! We don't want to be called that. But we're human, so we do feel it from time to time.

There's a delicate balance with anger. It's important to know how to use the energy it contains—and especially important to know when to let the anger go.

Anger contains energy. If we channel it, that energy can help us do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said. Unlike sadness or depression, it can fuel us and get us through a situation. But then there comes a point at which that anger can become a ball-and-chain around your ankle. Then it's time to let it go. Drop it like a hot potato.

Above all, do not let anger build a permanent structure on your property! Don't let it take up full-time residence in your heart. Oddly enough, if anger does come to settle in your heart and your life, you'll find that it sucks away your energy. You'll feel exhausted by it.

Strange, isn't it, that initially anger's energy can help you—but that very soon, the reverse will occur. The anger will drain you. Just remember, anger is an emotion—neutral. It's how you use it that makes it a positive or negative force in your life.

Is anger okay?

I've often heard it said that men are allowed anger as an emotion, and women are allowed sadness. Men aren't supposed to be sad or cry. And women aren't supposed to be angry.

We know that isn't fair either to men or to women. We need to be allowed the full range of emotions. Having the emotion—feeling it—is neutral. How any of us chooses to express it is another matter, and that's true whether we're male or female. We need to find appropriate ways to do so—ways that aren't hurtful to others.

It makes far more sense to me that we be real, honest and authentic about what we're feeling. Stuffing our emotions down isn't healthy; generally, they come out in some fairly inappropriate and hurtful ways. Release of emotions is important.

Take anger. It has enormous energy and can sometimes be used to provide fuel to move forward. The anger I had following my divorce gave me energy to move, find a job and carry on with my life at a time when I didn't think I could do any of those things, for example.

However, there came a time when that anger became a ball-and-chain and definitely needed to be released. That's when I journaled, wrote letters I never sent, sought counseling and found many other ways to let go of the anger. But I couldn't let it go until I'd felt it—and in that case, even used it as fuel (in ways that didn't hurt others). It's all a matter of knowing how to express the emotion appropriately and when it's time to let it go.

What do you think?

Anger's up and down sides

Anger is an interesting emotion, isn't it? Most of us women were raised with the idea that it's an emotion we should avoid. It surely isn't feminine to get angry. Right? (And the corollary of that was that men were told to avoid sadness and crying because that was a female thing! They were allowed anger, and we were allowed sadness and tears.) Let's examine that, though.

Emotions are emotions. Pure and simple. They come uninvited and know no gender. They aren't right or wrong. They just are. How we use emotions matters, however. And what we do with those emotions may seem to be more gender-specific, largely because of how we're taught to react or respond.

What I have discovered about anger, for instance, is that there are times I want to keep it for a while. Anger contains an enormous amount of energy. And there are times in life when you and I need that energy to get through an experience. I certainly needed it, for example, when I went through my divorce years ago. Its energy fueled me to get through lots of fear and what otherwise might have been immobilizing negative thoughts. Anger gave me the energy to get through many tough days. I needed it when I lost my job, too.

Once it's served its usefulness, however, it should be dropped. Like a hot potato. For once you've mined the gold in anger, as a friend of mine puts it, anger will reverse itself and suck energy right out of you. It will become the proverbial ball-and-chain. So pay good attention to your anger—know when you need its energy and when it begins to take away your energy.

Feeling fried?

Are you feeling depleted? No energy? No excitement for much of anything? And not sure what to do next?

It could be that you're experiencing burnout. It seems that burnout is reaching near-epidemic proportions these days as people work extra hard to keep from falling through the cracks, to stay ahead of bills, to manage a heavier-than-usual workload given all the layoffs at many workplaces, to juggle all the demands of families and careers and more. Or even to plan for retirement—or manage it if you're already retired but are worried about the money holding out. It's exhausting to just think about it all.

Reach out for some help if that's where you find yourself. At the very least, talk it over with trusted and wise friends. Seek out a counselor with whom you can work. Or contact me if you would like to talk about this to see whether coaching might help you (I offer complimentary, no-obligation strategy sessions). I have worked with clients who were just fried and were confused about where to turn and what direction to go. It's not a fun place to be, but you can find your passion and energy again. I've seen it happen, and I'm always jazzed to be part of such a process. It's so heartening to see a client go from burnout to a place of joy and passion again.

Typically burnout doesn't go away by itself ... and there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Reach out today.

Let your light shine

Last week my fiance and I vacationed in Door County, Wisconsin—a place we both really enjoy. One of the trip's highlights was a lighthouse tour. Lighthouses are special to me because my paternal grandfather was born in one off the coast of Norway before his parents came to America. This tour was fascinating to John as well. We both learned so much.

We opted to climb the 97 steep and narrow circular steps inside the lighthouse tower so we could see the light itself. To our surprise, the light that guides sailors in Lake Michigan is a tiny one, not much different in size than a nightlight! However, the system off of which that tiny light reflects is amazing. A huge bee-hive style set of prisms surrounds that tiny light and reflects it out 18 miles into the water. That circular group of prisms is extremely heavy and huge. But how well it has protected ships and their crews for the 146 years it's been in operation!

The whole setup made me think of our lights and how we let them shine. Our inner light can sometimes seem pretty tiny, can't it? But still, it reflects off those whose lives we touch and who touch our lives—and then think of the reach it has. Our job is simply to let that light shine, whether it seems full-strength or puny on any given day, knowing that the love and positive energy we put out will be reflected by those around us and radiate out much further than we can imagine.

Out of energy?

Burnout. Have you ever experienced it? I have had several clients who have, and I won't say it's epidemic. But I will say lots of people are experiencing it these days. Whatever word you want to use, it amounts to being depleted, fried, completely exhausted with absolutely few to no reserves left on which to draw. Are you irritable? Having no fun at all? Craving more sleep—and dreading morning when you have to get up and face the day?

If that describes you, please do something about it before you end up sick or in the hospital. Your car will not run when the gas tank is empty. You cannot draw water from a well that's gone dry. You are no different. When you are just dry inside and have nothing more to give, it's time for a refill. It's time for some restorative therapy. Way past time, actually!

In her book Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive, Joan Borysenko describes her own descent into burnout and gives practical steps that she used to recover. I highly recommend this book.

One of the things she advises is to reach out for social support, which, she says "strengthens immunity, releases feel-good hormones, helps protect cardiovascular health, and keeps the ship of life afloat." Using whatever methods you can, she advises learning to be compassionate to yourself. Kristin Neff has done work on self-compassion, and Borysenko also has done a CD Meditations for Courage and Compassion.  She has also set up a Facebook page on burnout where several people gather to discuss their experience of it and what they've done to recover.

Love yourself. Put yourself first for a change. Try meditation, yoga, exercise, more sleep, healthy eating or whatever things will feed and nurture you. Learn how to say "no" and engage in self-care. Find whatever works for you, knowing that each of us is unique and responds to different therapy. I invite you, too, to contact me should you wish to discuss this.

Come alive!

Despite occasional temperature dips and even snow showers, spring really does seem to be in the air where I live. The air just smells different. Some of the bravest little plants are poking their heads out of the ground and sprouting green. Winter is keeping a hard grip on us this year, but I have hope that soon trees and plants will really green up and come alive. And so will I! I absolutely love spring and watching things burst forth with color and new life.

Because of that, perhaps, a quote in Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are really resonated deeply with me. Brown says it comes from theologian Howard Thurman: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Isn't that wonderful? Can you imagine this world if everyone were able to ask what makes them come alive—and then pursue that? We would have a world with far happier people. Most likely, there would be less violence and no wars. Imagine the wonderful, positive energy all around us.

As it is, a high percentage of people hate their jobs. Many feel overworked, under-appreciated and underpaid. And that's those who have jobs. Many stay in bad relationships and bad jobs because they don't feel they have a choice. And I get it; some people really do have far fewer choices than others.

It's fun to dream about a world populated with people who have truly come alive and who are doing what they love to do. It's not within our power to make that happen for everyone on the planet. But here's the deal: You and I do have a choice about many things in our lives. Is there something you want to change about your life now? Something that would really make you come alive? What one step can you take today to move toward that? I'm guessing even taking one step toward that dream will make you come alive in a new way. Go for it!

Emotions as energy

Recently I heard an excellent educational presentation on managing our emotional (or energy) systems. The presenter told us how powerful this system was, saying our emotional system is essentially our personal GPS. It's our guide, and we need to pay attention to it.

I was struck by the way the presenter underscored the importance of finding safe ways to express and release our emotions—safe, meaning ways that don't hurt ourselves or others and that are legal. She said that when we ignore our emotions and stuff them down, we block our energy. If you picture your emotional energy as an electrical system, for example, you want to keep the energy flowing, right? You don't want the system to short out.

That image helps me to see the importance of staying in touch with what I'm feeling and being sure I do find safe expression for those emotions I feel, whether it's love, fear, anger or sorrow. I want to stay clean and clear. I want to keep the energy flowing.

I'm human, however. And that means I don't always do what's good for me. So when I feel sluggish from energy blockages or when I feel frozen by fear, I know it's time to stop. Stop and take a good look at what's really going on inside me. Is there something I need to grieve? Something I fear? Something about which I'm angry? What can I do to safely express those emotions? Pound a pillow? Shake my fists or arms about (not at someone else, of course)? Journal my thoughts about it and then find a form of exercise that physically gets it all out? Whatever safely gets the energy flowing again—that's what I need to do.

What do you do when you feel blocked or frozen?

Asking for help

This past weekend I gave a presentation on exploring the secrets of contentment at a women's retreat. Knowing these women were leaving busy and stress-filled lives to attend the retreat, I perhaps took on more responsibility for the outcome than I should have: I so wanted each woman to get what she needed from my presentation. I wanted each woman to go home well fed mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I forgot that I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome!

In any case, a situation the night before my talk prevented me from getting much sleep. That increased my anxiety level, so that morning I asked a few of my friends in attendance to pray and add their moral support as I gave my presentation. I've admitted in my blogs before that asking for help doesn't come easily for me. I always think to myself: Come on, Sonia, you can do this. Put on your Big Girl Panties and just do it! I'm learning, slowly but surely, to be more vulnerable and to retire my Wonder Woman cape!

These friends sat right up in the front where I could see them and gain energy from them. One of the women I'd asked for help made a fitting comment aloud during my talk, and it was just the right thing. It opened the door for a bit of give-and-take in my presentation, and it put me directly "in the moment." As a result of that moral support and that open door, my presentation had more of an easy flow and I was able to take a few short side trips from my prepared text so that I could respond to vibes I picked up from the women in attendance.

Another lesson learned: Sonia, ask for help. Let others support and help. And stay aware and in the present moment. What do you need to learn? Have you had opportunities lately to learn some lessons? Opportunities come in a variety of ways. Stay awake and aware to them.

Energy, powerful energy

Energy. It's an amazing thing, isn't it? Have you ever noticed the energy that follows someone into a room? Notice sometime what happens when a person enters the room. Does she bring with her a joyful, positive energy? Or can you almost see the black cloud over his head entering the room with him—and then feel your own energy dip?

Each of us is surrounded by an energy field. Depending on what we're feeling and what "inner space" we occupy at the particular time, that energy changes. If you are in a negative place inside, perhaps feeling extremely angry or sad, others will feel that energy when you approach. However, if you are filled with joy or just simply feeling open and loving inside, that's the energy you'll project when you walk into a room.

Energy is powerful and strong. Try this, just to see its strength. Sit comfortably with your arms bent at the elbows, hands in front of you. Rub your hands together firmly until you feel the heat building up in your palms. Keep it up for a while. Then slowly pull your hands apart a ways. Hold them there for a while until you feel the pulsing in your palms. That's energy. Now slowly move your hands toward each other again and feel the resistance that's there. Isn't that amazing?

Learn to be aware of the energy inside and around you. You do not always have a choice about what happens to you. You do have a choice about how you respond to those things, however. You have a choice about whether you approach life and its experiences in a positive way. Or with a negative attitude. Whatever your choice, that's the energy you'll feel inside—and the energy you will project onto others. Choices. They're yours to make.

Forgive—and let go

I recall a point in time many years after my divorce when some issues related to my divorce surfaced. Grief and loss have a way of doing that—circling back years after you thought you'd done your grieving, needing yet more attention.

I realized that what was needed was that I let go a bit more of some hard feelings and dreams I'd had. I had to forgive the younger woman I was at the time of our divorce, and I had to forgive the younger man my former husband was. We did the best we were able to do, given what we knew and who we were then. I needed to let go of some of the expectations that were still hanging around to plague me—and forgive him and myself.

Forgiveness is such an important piece of life. It's part of grief and loss, and it's part of so much of the healing we all crave. Forgiving ourselves is even more difficult than forgiving someone else—and that's not easy. But when we are able to forgive and let go (that's not the same as forgetting!), energy is freed up inside us. We feel lighter and happier. A calm, serene feeling can settle into our souls if we do the work required to forgive others and ourselves.

Do you have some forgiveness work to do? Don't wait. The benefits of forgiveness aren't for the one we think wronged us; they're for us. We're the ones who let go of a huge weight when we forgive.

Take back your power

Have you ever been burned out? Careers aren't the only causes of burnout. An extraordinarily busy family life can just as easily cause burnout as can a stressful, high-level career.

Burnout isn't anything you want to ignore. In addition to sucking the joy right out of your life and looking very much like depression if it goes on long enough, it left unchecked, it becomes that much more difficult for you to take charge of your life again.

A fairly recent book by Joan Borysenko, Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive, chronicles her journey through burnout  and back out again. She also includes the stories of and quotes from a Facebook community of others who have suffered through burnout. One especially good quote comes from Jan Carmichael Davies: "Sometimes we need permission to surrender to the feelings of burnout in order to take stock, be gentle with ourselves, and begin to safely rebuild our lives. Too many people these days keep powering through, toughing it out, until they collapse. They don't feel that they have permission to stop and put themselves first."

Borysenko said another Facebook friend told her that she used to think burnout "was an admission that something was wrong with her." But now that woman sees it "as an invitation to come into alignment with a more elegant expression of her gifts, relationships, and overall life energy."

Isn't that a beautiful way to see burnout? That woman is taking a negative in her life and seeing the possibilities in it. What would happen if you did that, whether it's with your burnout or with some other situation or disheartening part of your life? What's going on right now for you that might be inviting you to "a more elegant expression" of your "gifts, relationships, and overall life energy"? I'm asking myself that same question since this whole idea intrigues me.

The fountain of youth—and of age

Psychoanalyst, poet and storyteller Clarissa Pinkola Estes says in The Dangerous Old Woman: Myths and Stories of the Wise Woman Archetype, "If you are not free to be who you are, you are not free." Further, she says that we're born with two forces that give us every lens we need to see who we are: the wild and ever-young force of imagination, which contains intuition and instinct, and the wise elder force of knowledge, which holds boundaries and carries the heart of the visionary.

The young force and the elder one. Yes, you and I need both those perspectives (and everything in between), don't we? If we are to be our authentic selves—who we were created to be—we need the imagination, instinct and energy of our young self and the vision and wisdom of the older self.

It's been said that inside, we are every age we've ever been. That being the case, we should be able to access the lessons we have learned at each of our life stages. Perhaps this all suggests that we ought not look upon our aging process as a negative but learn to appreciate how it includes even more stages that help us become who we were meant to be. Perhaps there really is some truth in the saying that we're getting better and older! It's about authenticity. Being all we're able to be.

Let's focus on the richness of whatever stage we're in right now. Let's not only celebrate the fountain of youth—but the rich fountain of age as well. It takes us where we need to be. Isn't that something to celebrate?