Choices of the heart

Are you at a crossroads where it's time to make some choices and decisions? Even when we don't have huge decisions to make, we often come to a point where some type of choice must be made. Some of these choices are more difficult than others, and it can be difficult to know what you really do want.

One question I often tell clients to ask is: For what does my heart really long right now? And I encourage clients to say what first comes to mind.

Then I urge them to ask it of themselves again and respond quickly. Repeat several times.

Generally, after doing this in fairly rapid succession a number of times, you will have gotten to the core of your longings. At first, it's easy to answer with things you've been thinking about most recently—and you may not even be close to what's near and dear to your heart. The real choice may be buried a bit more deeply. Chances are that it will rise to the surface, however, when you consider the question several times.

Try it sometime.

Creating your future

This is a good time of year to reflect on what you'd like to see happen in the coming year. Is there a new direction you'd like to move? Some dream you long to pursue? Some life changes you want to make? Or even some self-care practices you'd like to add to your daily routines? What vision do you have for 2017?

There are so many ways to record such longings. You might journal about this. Or just jot down some notes. One effective—and fun—thing to do is to create a vision board that contains images of the future you long to create. Find magazines and catalogs, photos, images from the Internet or wherever you can and search for pictures that inspire you—pictures that represent how you'd like your life to look, that symbolize your feelings or experiences. This can be lots of fun. Cut out the images that you wish along with some inspirational quotes. Glue these on a piece of poster board. And voila, you have a vision board.

Keep this board in a prominent place so you can see it daily. Let is inspire you. Let the board motivate you to make whatever changes you had dreamed of making.

A small group to which I belong did this together the other night. Even though it's an individual design, it can be fun to do this in a group. After you finish, you might share your longings with the others in the group. You might even get more ideas that way. And you'll most certainly have fun!

P.S. Remember that Way2Grow blogs will appear on Monday, Wednesday and Friday starting now in 2017. Please send topic ideas to: sonia@way2growcoaching.com.

Passions at work

One of my pastors asked me to talk last Sunday about how God is using my passions. The time I spent reflecting on all my passions and how they've been used through the years was worthwhile. So the exercise was possibly far more helpful to me than to any of the listeners in the two worship services at which I spoke.

My passions have long been related to words, story, reading, writing and also to justice for the voiceless and the marginalized (and that includes women, who have been silenced for centuries). All of those loves came together in my journalism career—and they're still being used today in freelance writing, in my life coaching practice and in my part-time work as editor-at-large of Gather magazine.

The process of writing, whether it's for my daily coaching blogs or for a magazine article, is one of finding answers, gaining insights and real revelation. I like what priest and author Henri Nouwen said about it: "The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey whose final destination we do not know. Thus, creative writing requires a real act of trust. We have to say to ourselves, 'I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write.'"

Indeed, that is what happens. I learn so much in the process.

So what are your passions, your yearnings? How are they being used in your life? And what do you learn as you use them?

Dreams and longings

I like the question, If not now, when? It fits for so many situations. When clients face turmoil over career changes and talk about their yearnings and the desire to follow their dreams and their passions, I often ask that. When women talk about longing for some "me-time" and some self-care time and in the same breath, cite their long to-do lists, I often ask it.

When I come up with excuses to not do something I really need or want to do, I ask myself that question.

We don't know whether we'll even have a tomorrow. All we really know for sure is that we have this very moment. Because of that, it just makes sense to make the very best use of this present moment that we can. Insofar as it's possible for you, allow yourself to listen to and follow your dreams, longings, desires, yearnings.

What's missing from your life? What is on your bucket list or thimble list that you really, really want to do? What's preventing you?

Think about what it might mean to you if you had that thing on your list. Think about what it would mean if you never got the chance. Now how much do you want it? Go ahead. If not now, when?

A look back

Here's a good question upon which to reflect as you still find yourself at the start of a new year: What would your younger self say to you now? Would she be thrilled at what you've done with your life and your talents? Would he be disappointed that you let fears hold you back from some pretty important dreams? Any regrets?

It's not as useless an exercise as you might think. It can be helpful to look back at who you were 20, 30 or more years ago. What excited you then? To what did you look forward? What did you imagine your future would hold? Do you remember that person?

It may not be too late to recapture some of those dreams and longings. At the least, there might still be a way to recover the real you. Sometimes we follow what others want for us ... or simply take the path that's set out in front of us (the path of least resistance). If you cannot have now what you wanted then, are there pieces of any of the dreams of the younger you that are still important and that still represent who you really are?

If there are, I invite you to reflect on what you might want to do about it now. Are you able to make some changes now to fulfill a dream or be all you were created to be? If not, are you able to put to rest any regrets or lost dreams? It's not too late. Think about it and see where you are.

Live—and learn

I don't know about you, but I love inspirational quotes. I have a desk calendar with a new one each day. It's a great start to my day. I really like a quote that appeared earlier this month, and it's from Mahatma Gandhi: "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

As a lifelong learner myself, of course, that really spoke to me. There's so much out there to learn—things about the universe and the world around you, things about others who inspire you, things about topics near and dear to your heart, and coming even closer to home, things about yourself and how you operate. Until we take our final breath, we won't run out of opportunities for learning.

Then there's that first sentence of Gandhi's quote. What if you knew you only had days or months to live? What would you do differently? Why not do that anyway? The truth is, we really don't know how many more days we have left on this earth. So let's fill them up with the things that are truly important to us. Follow your dreams. Live your passions. Express your joy. Live your values.

I think Gandhi had it right. What do you think?

Listen to your longings

Did you grow up with messages telling you to pay no attention to desires, yearnings, longings, passions? "Do what needs to be done." "Seeking pleasure leads to no good end." "It's selfish to think about what you desire." We can still hear those same messages in different parts of society today.

Then, on the other hand, we can hear voices saying that pleasure is the only thing.  "Get what you want. Don't worry about anyone else." "Have it your way." As with so many things in life, there's some balance to be had, isn't there?

When we do pay attention to our yearnings and passions, we can be more truly ourselves. It is those longings and desires that really give us our juice and lead us to do those things in the world for which we have true passion. Those yearnings bring us energy.

I have long had a passion for justice-seeking, for example. It jazzes me to speak up for and work for justice for those on the margins. Admittedly, it has also led to occasional problems—for example, when I wrote articles that spoke truth to power and named things that needed to be called out. But that's who I am. So that's what I did. And now I'm thinking about how to incorporate those same passions into this stage of my life.

To what desires and yearnings do you need to listen today?

More than a career

As I write this, I'm remembering my bi-weekly massage that I had this morning. When I got off the massage table, my heart was filled with gratitude for my massage therapist and her "healing touch." She approaches her work as a ministry, a gift she gives to others, a calling. While she enjoys what she does, she also takes it very seriously. It's far more than just a job or even a career for Judy.

I remember once when I came to her for my usual massage, in our pre-massage conversation she learned that I was in the middle of an extremely stressful situation. Judy gave me extra time that day just because she knew I needed it. That's just how she is. I'm so grateful I found her years ago.

Judy loves what she does and is following her passion. Years ago she had been in a completely different career—as a real estate agent. She enjoyed that, too, and saw herself serving others. But what she does now is absolutely her passion, and she's so suited for it. It shows.

Is that how you feel about what you do every day? If not, would you like to follow your passion? To see where your longings lead? What would it take to do so?

Let's talk. Contact me if you want to pursue your dreams.

Is it selfish to pursue desires?

Do you feel selfish for pursuing your desires and longings?

After my divorce, I asked myself what I really wanted. I had absolutely no idea because for years I'd been focused on my husband and three sons and what they needed and wanted. Once I began to explore what I desired, I started feeling selfish for pursuing it. I was still in caregiver/caretaker mode. (We women know that role!) It was through talking with other women, attending workshops, reading books and other methods of gaining insight that I finally began to realize that it is not selfish to follow my yearnings and pursue my dreams. Far from it.

The more I'm in alignment with what I really desire, the more content and joyful I am. And the easier it is for me to reach out to others and to share my gifts with the world. The easier it is to be open and loving to all those around me. I wasn't much good to others when I was in a place of resentment or when I felt invisible and unfulfilled.

"As women get friendly with their true yearnings, which are constantly changing, they see that their pleasure doesn't destroy but creates: energy, beauty, community, love." This comes from a book I've used as a workbook for years and absolutely love: The Comfort Queen's Guide to Life: Create All That You Need With Just What You've Got by Jennifer Louden, who does incredible work with women.

Are you where you want to be with your career and relationships? For what do you most yearn? What are you willing to do to get there?

Please contact me if you would like to explore this.

Dreaming gets a bad rap

Some of my clients are dreamers. Some are pragmatic. And many are a blend. Where would you place yourself?

What I often find is that the dreamers don't value that part of themselves. I understand why. Our culture seems to highly value pragmatism and "the bottom line" above all else, and dreamers get short shrift. We don't value and thus, don't nurture, people's ability to dream and create long-term visions. And yet, where would this country be without the dreamers, without those who imagined something new and different?

Think of Steve Jobs. Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell. Or Walt Disney's imaginative mind that gave us fictional characters to enjoy and theme parks in which to play. And women, whose names aren't as well known but whose inventions are just as important: Stephanie Kwolek, who invented Kevlar, and Marion Donovan, who came up with the idea for a disposable diaper. And I'll bet you didn't know that actress Hedy Lamarr was a pioneer in the field of wireless communications with her "Secret Communications System" used to help combat the Nazis in World War II.

Dreamers. Yes, oh, yes, we need them. If you have a side of you that tends toward dreaming, don't lose it. Of course, you need a practical side to make a living (unless you were born an heiress!). But dreams are good. I've heard it said that we don't keep dreams alive; dreams keep us alive. I believe that. Once we lose our dreams—if we don't create new ones—we lose hope. Your dreams don't have to create the next big thing. They are just as important if they help you be all you were created to be.

Nurture the dreamer in you. See where it leads you. Do you need some changes in career, relationships or lifestyle? Dreams and longings are a good place to start.

Where will you go?

I hear a lot these days about "encore careers" and new life after retirement from long-standing careers. Women have so many interests and such long to-do lists that I'm not sure we ever really do retire. And that's just fine. But I love the idea of seeing retirement as a time to follow your passion, to pursue dreams you may never have been able to consider before.

When syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman retired, here's what she said in her final column:

"The phrase that kept running through my head as I considered this next step was: 'I'm letting myself go.' Yes ... I can see the illustration: out of shape, lazy, slovenly, the very worst things you can whisper about a woman of a certain age. But I love the idea of reclaiming that phrase. After all, where will you go when you let yourself go? To let this question fill the free space between deadlines in my life has been quite liberating. It suggests the freedom that can fuel this journey."

Isn't that a totally different view of "letting yourself go"? How liberating! Where will you go when you let yourself go? For what do you long? What's your passion? Do you dare to follow it? Can you build a career or a life that contains it?

Go for it! At least see what it might take to pursue your dreams (and you don't have to wait until retirement). I would love to help you to do just that. Contact me today for an absolutely no-obligation, complimentary strategy session to see where you can go when you "let yourself go".

Finding hope

I recently had a conversation with a woman struggling to choose between what she thought were two quite different career paths. During the course of our talks together over a few weeks' time, she did lots of hard work and reflecting. I asked questions to help her look at her situation in new ways. Events occurred that seemingly came out of the blue for her, too.

The bottom line? She is beginning to see ways that she can combine the best of both worlds into a career path. She is doing both/and thinking. She feels hope now—and a sense of excitement and focus that wasn't there before is settling into her bones.

Isn't it amazing what a difference a day or a week or a month can make? What a difference it makes when two people focus completely on what's happening in the one person's life! That's what I love about being coached by someone else. And that's what I find powerful about the privilege of coaching others. It is extremely exciting to see the shift that can occur—and the possibilities that emerge. It's rewarding to watch hope grow and to see either/or thinking replaced by both/and.

For what do you yearn today? What stands in the way? What do you have to do to get there? I'd love to be part of your journey if you think coaching might help you get from where you are to where you really long to be.

Please contact me today for an absolutely no-obligation, complimentary consultation. Let's get you on your way!

Enough “shoulds” already?

“When does the good stuff in life come?” I’ve had women ask me. “I’ve spent my life doing what I needed to do. Now I’m ready for the joy.”

Has your life been filled with “shoulds”? Have you always been responsible? There is nothing wrong with being a responsible adult, with doing what needs to be done. But sometimes you just need to let up a bit—and find ways to bring joy and exuberance into your life.

For what do you yearn? Can you name that deep longing within you?

I invite you to spend time thinking about these life questions. If they don’t pertain to you, consider yourself blessed. If they do, reflect. Journal. Ponder. Talk with others. Start a conversation with others in the Comment box below.

First, think about your desires and longings. Then create your action plan, one small step at a time, to get you from here to there.

I’d love to help you find the “good stuff.” Contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary strategy session today. Let’s get you on your way so you can reach your dreams. It’s time to fly!

A balancing act

If you know anything about finances, you’re aware that whatever ratio of stocks, bonds and cash you choose for your portfolio, you’ll need to continue monitoring it and making changes to maintain the balance you want.

Life is like that, too, isn’t it? If you long for balance in your life, you first need to determine how you really want your life to look. For what do you most yearn? Are you longing for more time with your loved ones? Do you desire more you-time, more time for self-care?

It helps to draw a circle and divide it into pie pieces that represent the various aspects of your life that take your time: career, family, social life, exercise, faith life, whatever other parts of life you wish to include. You might consider how much time each area now receives and how much time you’d like to give.

Once you make your choices and make the changes necessary to reach your goals, you’ll realize that tweaks are necessary from time to time as “life happens.” A situation will arise that will demand more time in one area or another. Just like a financial portfolio, your wheel of life will need rebalancing.

Take time today to make choices. Don’t let your life manage you. As best you can, manage your life by making conscious and intentional choices about how you spend your time and energy. Doesn’t it just energize you to even think about taking some control over your life that way?

What else needs attention so you can be the amazing woman you were meant to be? Go for it!

Ready to fly?

A few months ago I rediscovered a book I had read and enjoyed years ago: Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus. As the author says, it’s a “tale of a caterpillar who has trouble becoming what he really is.”

Sound familiar? Do you ever have trouble accepting who you really are? Or doing what it takes to use the gifts you were given and become all you were meant to be?

Here’s one of my favorite parts in that book:

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively.

“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

“You mean to die?” asked Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky.

“Yes and No,” he answered. “What looks like you will die but what’s really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn’t that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?”

Ready, set, go
So—are you at a point of change, feeling like a caterpillar who just might need some cocoon time before you transform into that beautiful butterfly you were meant to be? What dreams, yearnings, longings are as yet unfulfilled for you? What will it take to reach them?

Get ready to soar! Imagine your life as a butterfly. Your view is so much larger, so much more beautiful when you’re in the air than when you’re a caterpillar crawling along the ground.

Sign up for my three free gifts to see whether you are ready. And then let go. Let go of the old. Do the inner work to prepare for the new (cocoon time). Take whatever time you need to make the necessary changes. Then get ready to fly!

New exercise guidelines

I remember not so many years ago being told that we needed to exercise at least 30 minutes a day. Any less than that really didn’t do much, we were told.

Now health gurus seem to have devised new “rules” for exercising, telling us that it’s important just to get moving. So, they say now, even 10 minutes a day will help you lose weight, maintain weight, stay healthy or whatever it is you are undertaking. It’s all about getting started! Something is better than nothing.

That’s good news, isn’t it? I do 30 minutes a day on the treadmill, 10 minutes or more of yoga stretches and several resistance band exercises. But on days when that doesn’t fit into my schedule for one reason or another, I don’t have to feel guilty. Or beat myself up.

Small steps add up
The same is true when you work on any of your life issues. Take, for example, wanting to create better balance in your life. Perhaps when you look at how out-of-control your life feels right now, the idea of better balance seems like a climb up Mount Everest to you! However, if you break that large goal into small, achievable steps, it isn’t so daunting. It feels more possible, more within reach, doesn’t it? You don’t climb a mountain in one large step. You don’t change habits and lifestyle that way either.

As you think about where you are now in life and where you’d like to be, make a goal. Then break that into bite-sized pieces. Dreams, longings and yearnings are possible and achievable then. If you would like help doing that, please contact me for an absolutely no-obligation, complimentary sample session. Or even just for a short conversation about your goals.

"I am a possibility"

When my three sons were young, they sang a catchy song in vacation Bible school that went like this: “I am a promise, I am a possibility. I am a promise with a capital ‘P.’ I am a great big bundle of potentiality.”

For some reason the words and the tune came to mind the other day. I don’t know why. And that doesn’t matter.

What I love is that it made me think again of all the possibilities I have before me. Life is full of choices. True, we sometimes have to tend to the “shoulds” in life. There is much we have to do. But there are also many crossroads in life that offer us choices.

Are you doing what you really love to do? Are you fully the woman you want to be—the one you were meant to be? What are the desires and dreams yet unfulfilled? What deep longings and life questions are still out there for you? For what do you most yearn?

Are you doing what you love?
If you’re not doing what you love, why not? Is there one step you can take today that would bring you closer to becoming that “possibility” the song talks about?

Promise. Possibility. Potentiality. Don’t you love those words? Just saying them energizes me. Can you feel the juice as you say them? Let them draw images to your mind. Then make a promise to yourself to take at least one step this week to be the amazing woman you were meant to be. Make an action plan today to become that possibility!

If you haven’t already, I invite you to sign up for my weekly ezine and for my three free gifts: “10 Signs of Caterpillar Energy: I’m Ready for Change!,” “Cocoon Energy: Preparing for Transition,” and “Butterfly Energy: I Feel So Light and Beautiful.”

What? Ask directions?

What’s on your mind now that you’re nearly one month into a new year? Do you have a hope or intention for this year—or a resolution or two? And how is that working out so far?

If you have a hope, a dream, an intention or resolutions—have you actually made a step-by-step plan to get there?

If not, why not take the time today to do this? When you plan a trip to a new place, you can’t get there without getting directions and making a plan. So it is with an intention.

I don’t need a plan
Men are often teased for not asking directions. In truth, however, many of us are guilty of not creating a plan to get where we want to go.

This is a great time to change that. The year is still new. You still have time to ask what needs to change so you can reach your heart’s desire. What is it you really want for 2012? What will it take to get there?

And how can you break that down into bite-sized and manageable pieces?

Maybe you still have some letting go to do before you can move forward. What do you no longer want? Write it down. What do you want now? Write it down. What one thing can you do to move closer to that goal? Write that down. As you think of more actions to get you to your hope, your dream or goal, add them to your list.

We all need inspiration from others. I invite you to share with us in the comment box what works (and doesn’t) for you.

I’m pulling for you! I’d love to see you attain that for which you most yearn this year!

Is this all there is?

Have you ever wondered whether this is all there is? Is life more than the daily grind? Do you wonder whether you can actually feel intoxicated with life?

Even though my position as a magazine managing editor included many challenges and gave my life meaning, I still wondered whether there was something more for me. It wasn’t until I was Reduced-In-Force from that job that I really began to look at all the items I had written in my Dream Journal, which wasn’t about night dreams but about dreams of things I wanted to do some day.

What I discovered I’d written in that journal through the years led to my coaching career, and I realized that in so many other ways (as a mentor and a friend), I’d been coaching for much of my life. And I absolutely love doing it.

What’s your passion?
What do you love doing? What more would you love to have—or do—or be in your life?

You don’t need to do as I did: wait until you lose your job. Perhaps you can fulfill your passion in the job you already have. Perhaps that “something more” you desire in your life can be a hobby. Or as a volunteer for some organization about which you care deeply.

You might find joy in joining a yoga class or an exercise group. Or simply in creating more time for yourself—or more time with your partner or a friend. Maybe you want a primary relationship—or deeper relationships.

What more do you want for your life? And what stops you from having that?

Go get it. Just imagine how joyful and powerful you would feel if you created that life you so desire. You can, you know. Take one step today to move closer to the life you want. Want help? Sign up for a complimentary, absolutely no-obligation consultation today to see how you can let that inner butterfly soar!

Letting go is tough to do

One of my favorite books—to which I return again and again—got to my bookshelf quite by accident.

I attended the annual conference of a religious journalists’ organization, registered, slapped on my nametag and grabbed the ubiquitous convention tote bag. Later in my hotel room I checked the contents and discovered a free book: How Can I Let Go If I Don’t Know I’m Holding On? by Linda Douty. Interesting title. But life was busy, so it went on my bookshelf. Until I needed it—and it called to me from my shelf one day! (Do you ever have that happen?)

I cannot tell you how many highlighted passages, underscored phrases and notations I’ve added to that book in the years since. It is a wonderfully practical book for letting go: letting go of hurts, of ways of thinking that no longer work, of grief that weighs us down, of roles and so many things.

What holds you back?
Think of what you most long for right now. What would you love to have in your life that isn’t there now? Then think of where you are right now in your life. Is there a gap?

What would it take to have that something for which you yearn—to be at that place you long to be? The chances are really great that one or several obstacles hold you back and keep you where you are. I know that’s often true in my life.

The chances are great, too, that some kind of letting-go process might be needed to move from here to there. Do you have restricting beliefs that hold you back? Or perhaps old hurts and resentments keep you stuck. Sometimes it’s even a person, a relationship you have that isn’t healthy. Maybe you need to let go of the way you act in that relationship—or perhaps you have to let go of the connection entirely.

Think about what letting go you may need to do. Decide what actions you’ll need to help it happen. Remember, it’s a process.

I invite you to share with us what has worked for you in the past. What letting-go experiences have you had, and how have they helped? Or is this a tough one for you?