National elections were held just yesterday. It's been an especially contentious election season. So many important issues have been the focus of national debate. Debate might seem like an extremely tepid or overly polite way to describe what's been occurring. Some days, it's more like food fights in a high school cafeteria!
Some of the issues that have been tackled are health care, immigration (except for Native Americans, we all got her through the process of immigration), voter suppression and gerrymandering, the #MeToo movement and all the broad strokes that surround issues related to women, reproductive rights and so much more.
I've been listening to the rhetoric and trying to pay attention to what's underneath the strong feelings and the words that are used—words that often are hurled at each other across an ever-increasing divide. Let's just take one of the issues: reproductive rights. Many feel the terminology typically used can be misleading: pro-life and pro-choice; and those people say that nearly everyone is for life and that it's a matter of who makes the decisions. So I've been thinking a good deal about what exactly the term pro-life means to people. I suspect if I asked 10 people, I might get 10 different answers.
I'm curious: What does it mean to you? For me, pro-life covers such a broad range of things—for example, attention to such issues as hunger, poverty, homelessness, child abuse and domestic violence, education, health care, gun laws and gun violence, just to name a very few. I see what happens throughout the life of that child who's born as a matter of concern. For me, it's more than simply having a child born; it's about making sure that child is safe, loved, cared for and has the best chance at quality of life that's possible. And in this wealthy nation of ours, I believe high quality of life IS possible if we have the will to see to it.
I would love to hear what you think about this and other issues. It's so easy to repeat rhetoric—words and phrases—that we hear politicians or others say. And sometimes we don't really examine those words to see what is underneath them. It's important to do so and to be sure the words we use really are authentic to us.
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Friday, November 10, 2017
Facing life's intersections
I have so many friends right now who are facing momentous changes: job losses, new jobs following job loss, family members dying, deteriorating health for self or a loved one, other changes in health status, adjusting to a new living situation and more.
Changes such as those always seem to lead to questions about what we can handle, who we are, where we've been and where we're going. Such changes also lead us to re-evaluate our values. What's important to us? Are we spending time on what's most important to us? Or are we spending it on things that are less important—and waiting until "we get around to it" for the big things in life?
When we come to those intersections in our lives, whatever leads us to those points, it's a good time to stop and reflect on any and all of these questions—and more. It's not too late to tweak a bit or even change course so we better live out of our values.
Even if you're not facing any big life change, it might still be a good time to stop and reflect on where you've been, where you're going and what's consuming most of your time and energy these days. See if this is where you want to be. If not, make some different choices. You get to decide!
Changes such as those always seem to lead to questions about what we can handle, who we are, where we've been and where we're going. Such changes also lead us to re-evaluate our values. What's important to us? Are we spending time on what's most important to us? Or are we spending it on things that are less important—and waiting until "we get around to it" for the big things in life?
When we come to those intersections in our lives, whatever leads us to those points, it's a good time to stop and reflect on any and all of these questions—and more. It's not too late to tweak a bit or even change course so we better live out of our values.
Even if you're not facing any big life change, it might still be a good time to stop and reflect on where you've been, where you're going and what's consuming most of your time and energy these days. See if this is where you want to be. If not, make some different choices. You get to decide!
Friday, September 8, 2017
Choices of the heart
Are you at a crossroads where it's time to make some choices and decisions? Even when we don't have huge decisions to make, we often come to a point where some type of choice must be made. Some of these choices are more difficult than others, and it can be difficult to know what you really do want.
One question I often tell clients to ask is: For what does my heart really long right now? And I encourage clients to say what first comes to mind.
Then I urge them to ask it of themselves again and respond quickly. Repeat several times.
Generally, after doing this in fairly rapid succession a number of times, you will have gotten to the core of your longings. At first, it's easy to answer with things you've been thinking about most recently—and you may not even be close to what's near and dear to your heart. The real choice may be buried a bit more deeply. Chances are that it will rise to the surface, however, when you consider the question several times.
Try it sometime.
One question I often tell clients to ask is: For what does my heart really long right now? And I encourage clients to say what first comes to mind.
Then I urge them to ask it of themselves again and respond quickly. Repeat several times.
Generally, after doing this in fairly rapid succession a number of times, you will have gotten to the core of your longings. At first, it's easy to answer with things you've been thinking about most recently—and you may not even be close to what's near and dear to your heart. The real choice may be buried a bit more deeply. Chances are that it will rise to the surface, however, when you consider the question several times.
Try it sometime.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Life in a both/and world
There is so much to be said about life in a both/and world rather than an either/or world. But most of us have learned to live in an either/or world. So we need to undo that if we wish to see and experience life differently.
In their book Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick remind us of this:
"Most of us have grown up in a culture that divides things into two piles, into dualities: spirit or matter, feminine or masculine, alive or dead, male or female, adult or child, good or bad, light or dark, joyful or painful. We believe things cannot belong in both piles.
"In other cultures, this assumption is not experienced as true. ... What if we were to consider the possibility that things are light and dark, good and bad, joyful and painful, spirit and matter? We might learn to entertain the notion of paradox.... In so doing, we shall be more able to experience the richness of life, the truth of its beautiful complexity."
If we stop and reflect with any honesty and depth at all, we know the truth of this. Many of our life experiences contain joy and pain. Much of life really is both good and bad. Again, it's all about our attitudes and how we choose to see things.
It's never too late to make changes!
In their book Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick remind us of this:
"Most of us have grown up in a culture that divides things into two piles, into dualities: spirit or matter, feminine or masculine, alive or dead, male or female, adult or child, good or bad, light or dark, joyful or painful. We believe things cannot belong in both piles.
"In other cultures, this assumption is not experienced as true. ... What if we were to consider the possibility that things are light and dark, good and bad, joyful and painful, spirit and matter? We might learn to entertain the notion of paradox.... In so doing, we shall be more able to experience the richness of life, the truth of its beautiful complexity."
If we stop and reflect with any honesty and depth at all, we know the truth of this. Many of our life experiences contain joy and pain. Much of life really is both good and bad. Again, it's all about our attitudes and how we choose to see things.
It's never too late to make changes!
Friday, June 30, 2017
Of passion and joy
Last Sunday our pastor preached a sermon using themes from the movie LaLa Land. One of the things he said was, "Don't follow your passion. Take your passion with you" in whatever you do and wherever you go. He added, "And find your joy wherever you are."
It may be a matter of semantics, I'm not sure. I've often spoken and written about following our passion, meaning that when we do what we love, generally we really throw ourselves into it and are successful and joyful.
That said, I do see what he was saying. Sometimes we are called to things that may not be our first choice—and still, we can bring our passion along with us. Life circumstances may change what we do or how we spend our days, either temporarily or permanently. That doesn't need to mean we cannot find passion and joy there. It doesn't mean we need to slide into passivity and resign ourselves to a miserable, unhappy life.
It's all about attitude and choice. Choose to bring your passion with you. Choose to find joy wherever you are.
It may be a matter of semantics, I'm not sure. I've often spoken and written about following our passion, meaning that when we do what we love, generally we really throw ourselves into it and are successful and joyful.
That said, I do see what he was saying. Sometimes we are called to things that may not be our first choice—and still, we can bring our passion along with us. Life circumstances may change what we do or how we spend our days, either temporarily or permanently. That doesn't need to mean we cannot find passion and joy there. It doesn't mean we need to slide into passivity and resign ourselves to a miserable, unhappy life.
It's all about attitude and choice. Choose to bring your passion with you. Choose to find joy wherever you are.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Too busy? Stop it—right now!
In the summer issue of The Magnolia Journal, guest columnist Shauna Niequist talks about being so busy that she "was in grave danger of becoming someone I didn't recognize, someone I didn't want to be." She says she "allowed busyness and work and achievement to edge out some of the best parts of me."
Do you relate to that at all? It doesn't matter whether you're still knee-deep in a career or whether you're retired. It doesn't matter whether you have children at home or you don't. It's all too easy to get caught up in the busyness. Being too busy is almost a badge of honor in some circles.
But is that really how we want to live? Does that allow the best parts of us to show through? Or do we stand in danger of becoming people we don't want to be?
Here's the deal: There is some choice that is possible. Granted, there are some must-do things on the to-do lists of all of us. But there are plenty of other things that are a matter of choice—including things that can be delegated as well as things that really don't need to be done at all. It's always good to stop and reflect, if we're edging close to burn-out: What really needs to be done—and what of that do I personally need to do?
It's unlikely that we'll get to the end of our lives and on our deathbeds wish we had done more work. Rather, it's more likely that we'll wish we had better tended our relationships. Most likely, we'll wish we'd stopped to smell more roses along the way—taken time to savor our moments and days.
So let's start right now! What are we waiting for?
Do you relate to that at all? It doesn't matter whether you're still knee-deep in a career or whether you're retired. It doesn't matter whether you have children at home or you don't. It's all too easy to get caught up in the busyness. Being too busy is almost a badge of honor in some circles.
But is that really how we want to live? Does that allow the best parts of us to show through? Or do we stand in danger of becoming people we don't want to be?
Here's the deal: There is some choice that is possible. Granted, there are some must-do things on the to-do lists of all of us. But there are plenty of other things that are a matter of choice—including things that can be delegated as well as things that really don't need to be done at all. It's always good to stop and reflect, if we're edging close to burn-out: What really needs to be done—and what of that do I personally need to do?
It's unlikely that we'll get to the end of our lives and on our deathbeds wish we had done more work. Rather, it's more likely that we'll wish we had better tended our relationships. Most likely, we'll wish we'd stopped to smell more roses along the way—taken time to savor our moments and days.
So let's start right now! What are we waiting for?
Monday, May 8, 2017
You are worthy
I've often heard it said that we train other people how to treat us. When I first heard that, I had to spend some time thinking about it. At that time, I was so accustomed to thinking almost solely about the needs of husband and children. I didn't give much thought to what I wanted or needed. That felt selfish to me.
Now that I'm much older and my sons have their own children (some teens and beyond, in fact), I have more experience to understand the truth of that statement. I came to terms with the fact that it isn't selfish to expect some of my needs to be met, too. I actually thought about what I wanted from life—something that, in fact, removed some of the resentment that was beginning to build when my needs weren't considered. I had to look at my own part in the whole dance. I had to recognize my own worth, too.
When we grow so accustomed to thinking about the needs of others to the exclusion of our own needs, we do train others to think that way, too. Have you seen women who, even when their children are older adults, continue to put aside their wants and needs and jump to the tune of their children? Or of their spouse or partner? It's become a habit. And spouses and adult children, not necessarily doing so with "malice aforethought," continue to let them do so.
Mind you, I'm not saying it's wrong to be of service to others or to do kind things for those we love. These are good things. But we also want to do good things for ourselves and see ourselves as worthy of having our needs met, too. It's not either/or. It's both/and. And it's also a matter of making choices—choosing to do something for another rather than being expected to do so ... and letting them do good things for you, too!
Now that I'm much older and my sons have their own children (some teens and beyond, in fact), I have more experience to understand the truth of that statement. I came to terms with the fact that it isn't selfish to expect some of my needs to be met, too. I actually thought about what I wanted from life—something that, in fact, removed some of the resentment that was beginning to build when my needs weren't considered. I had to look at my own part in the whole dance. I had to recognize my own worth, too.
When we grow so accustomed to thinking about the needs of others to the exclusion of our own needs, we do train others to think that way, too. Have you seen women who, even when their children are older adults, continue to put aside their wants and needs and jump to the tune of their children? Or of their spouse or partner? It's become a habit. And spouses and adult children, not necessarily doing so with "malice aforethought," continue to let them do so.
Mind you, I'm not saying it's wrong to be of service to others or to do kind things for those we love. These are good things. But we also want to do good things for ourselves and see ourselves as worthy of having our needs met, too. It's not either/or. It's both/and. And it's also a matter of making choices—choosing to do something for another rather than being expected to do so ... and letting them do good things for you, too!
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Victim or hero?
If you haven't engaged in "victim thinking" yourself, I'm sure you have heard friends or acquaintances do so. Every one of us no doubt has a story or stories about things that have happened to us where we've felt like a victim or been a victim. Of course, we talk about such things with others. There is nothing wrong with telling someone about what happened. That's one thing.
It's quite another thing to keep living in that victim mentality, however. You can tell the story. Or you can make it your story—and keep telling and retelling so that this is how you see yourself eventually.
Here's what medical anthropologist Alberto Villoldo says about that, "Although the mind resists it, the fact is that, like me, you have a choice between having the life you want or the reasons why you can't. You can luxuriate in joy and peace, or you can continually be burdened by that big black bag full of all the sorrowful incidents and accidents that happened to you in your childhood or last relationship. You can endure your wounds or you can enjoy your glory. You can live the life of a victim, burdened by the traumas of your past, or you can live the life of a hero; but you can't do both."
That's pretty direct. And it's true. You and I do have a choice: Victim or hero? What's it going to be? How will you tell your life story? Where is your focus? You can choose between having the life you want or dwelling on the reasons why you can't have it.
If you'd like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session.
It's quite another thing to keep living in that victim mentality, however. You can tell the story. Or you can make it your story—and keep telling and retelling so that this is how you see yourself eventually.
Here's what medical anthropologist Alberto Villoldo says about that, "Although the mind resists it, the fact is that, like me, you have a choice between having the life you want or the reasons why you can't. You can luxuriate in joy and peace, or you can continually be burdened by that big black bag full of all the sorrowful incidents and accidents that happened to you in your childhood or last relationship. You can endure your wounds or you can enjoy your glory. You can live the life of a victim, burdened by the traumas of your past, or you can live the life of a hero; but you can't do both."
That's pretty direct. And it's true. You and I do have a choice: Victim or hero? What's it going to be? How will you tell your life story? Where is your focus? You can choose between having the life you want or dwelling on the reasons why you can't have it.
If you'd like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session.
Friday, March 24, 2017
You set the limits
We hear a lot these days about setting boundaries. These are like fences that let others know what you will and will not accept by way of behavior from them. Mind you, boundaries aren't walls that shut others out. They are more like fences—and you can have gates and openings for people to get through. But you have conditions on who's let in.
If you have trouble setting limits for others or making boundaries, you aren't alone by any means. Many people have trouble with boundaries—and many people let others walk all over them and end up angry and resentful when it happens. You can change that, however. It's your choice. You get to set limits.
Boundaries aren't punitive. They are simply straightforward. For example, you may tell those close to you that you will not accept name-calling or put-downs from them. You also let them know what you intend to do if they continue the behavior. If they persist in calling you names or putting you down, you follow through with what you said you would do. You may tell someone, "I will not allow you to call me names anymore. If you continue, I will leave the room. If you persist long-term, I will need to leave the relationship." That's pretty straightforward. The thing is: You must follow through with what you've said you will do if the behavior continues. If you do not, expect more name-calling.
Boundary-setting takes practice. But it does get easier in time. If you would like to learn more, please contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session.
If you have trouble setting limits for others or making boundaries, you aren't alone by any means. Many people have trouble with boundaries—and many people let others walk all over them and end up angry and resentful when it happens. You can change that, however. It's your choice. You get to set limits.
Boundaries aren't punitive. They are simply straightforward. For example, you may tell those close to you that you will not accept name-calling or put-downs from them. You also let them know what you intend to do if they continue the behavior. If they persist in calling you names or putting you down, you follow through with what you said you would do. You may tell someone, "I will not allow you to call me names anymore. If you continue, I will leave the room. If you persist long-term, I will need to leave the relationship." That's pretty straightforward. The thing is: You must follow through with what you've said you will do if the behavior continues. If you do not, expect more name-calling.
Boundary-setting takes practice. But it does get easier in time. If you would like to learn more, please contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Aging & possibilities
How do you see the aging process? Retirement? Are you looking at those things through the eyes of discontinuity, of endings? Yes, they contain endings. And it's important to take stock of those, grieve if you feel the loss of those endings. And then you'll be free to see possibilities.
Yes, possibilities. So much can yet lie ahead. So many choices. What really excites you? Makes you get out of bed in the morning? Or haven't you felt that in several years? Perhaps you've had or still have a job that doesn't energize you. What would change how you feel about it? A job change? An attitude change? Or is retirement possible?
Just know you have choices. You always have a choice about things—if not about what you do, then about how you see what you do.
It's always so energizing to think of possibilities.
If you are heading into retirement—or even thinking about that—see the potential of it. You'll get to create new routines, try new activities, perhaps even find some new friends to add to your current circle, develop talents within you that never have had a chance for expression. And perhaps you'll find your way into a new comfort with life, with yourself and with others. These years can be rich and full. They truly can be the best years of your life. So much depends on what happens between your ears! Check out your attitude and see whether a change is needed.
Yes, possibilities. So much can yet lie ahead. So many choices. What really excites you? Makes you get out of bed in the morning? Or haven't you felt that in several years? Perhaps you've had or still have a job that doesn't energize you. What would change how you feel about it? A job change? An attitude change? Or is retirement possible?
Just know you have choices. You always have a choice about things—if not about what you do, then about how you see what you do.
It's always so energizing to think of possibilities.
If you are heading into retirement—or even thinking about that—see the potential of it. You'll get to create new routines, try new activities, perhaps even find some new friends to add to your current circle, develop talents within you that never have had a chance for expression. And perhaps you'll find your way into a new comfort with life, with yourself and with others. These years can be rich and full. They truly can be the best years of your life. So much depends on what happens between your ears! Check out your attitude and see whether a change is needed.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Let the crabbiness roll off
Have you ever let someone else's bad day rub off on you? Has their unhappiness wormed its way into your heart?
Yes, it can happen, can't it? Whether it's someone you love and perhaps even share a home with or it's a coworker or someone in a retail establishment, if we aren't aware and awake, we can be taken down a rabbit hole just like that.
If someone sprays their anger or bad day all over, don't let it soak into you. You do not need to carry their negative energy around.
As Melody Beattie writes in her daily meditation book Journey to the Heart, "If someone splashes your windshield with mud while you're driving down the road, what do you do? You wash it off and go on your way. ... Crabby thoughts and crabby emotions can be like mud. If someone splashes you, wash off your windshield, send them a blessing, and go on down the road."
What a great image! Yes, wash it off, bless them and go on your way. Let the crabbiness roll right off. You have a choice. Choose to stay happy.
Yes, it can happen, can't it? Whether it's someone you love and perhaps even share a home with or it's a coworker or someone in a retail establishment, if we aren't aware and awake, we can be taken down a rabbit hole just like that.
If someone sprays their anger or bad day all over, don't let it soak into you. You do not need to carry their negative energy around.
As Melody Beattie writes in her daily meditation book Journey to the Heart, "If someone splashes your windshield with mud while you're driving down the road, what do you do? You wash it off and go on your way. ... Crabby thoughts and crabby emotions can be like mud. If someone splashes you, wash off your windshield, send them a blessing, and go on down the road."
What a great image! Yes, wash it off, bless them and go on your way. Let the crabbiness roll right off. You have a choice. Choose to stay happy.
Monday, November 21, 2016
We have choices to make
In these days following the presidential election, I'm thinking about the choices each of us makes about how to respond. I've been thinking a great deal about what I will do to lift up the values I hold dear. What action will I take? What cause or causes shall I embrace? To what shall I commit?
I'm reminded of a quote from existential psychologist and author Rollo May: "A man or woman becomes fully human only by his or her choices and his or her commitment to them. People attain worth and dignity by the multitude of decisions they make from day to day. These decisions require courage."
These days as we sift through the debris left after months of angry rhetoric leading up to the election and that which is now accumulating because of multiple incidents of discrimination and hate crimes, we do well to think about the choices we make. To what shall we commit?
Let's take our time and think deeply about this. Who shall we be? What shall this country be?
I'm reminded of a quote from existential psychologist and author Rollo May: "A man or woman becomes fully human only by his or her choices and his or her commitment to them. People attain worth and dignity by the multitude of decisions they make from day to day. These decisions require courage."
These days as we sift through the debris left after months of angry rhetoric leading up to the election and that which is now accumulating because of multiple incidents of discrimination and hate crimes, we do well to think about the choices we make. To what shall we commit?
Let's take our time and think deeply about this. Who shall we be? What shall this country be?
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Don't let tomorrow steal today
Yesterday, the first day of November, temperatures reached 75 degrees here in the Chicagoland area. And today is pretty mild, too. These feel like bonus days of fall.
Some people already are grumbling about what a rough winter has been predicted. I've let my thoughts wander there at times, too. But I really don't want to let those thoughts steal the beauty that is today. I have a choice.
How often do we do that in other ways as well? If you're like me at all, you spend far too much time worrying about things that never happen. What a waste. I keep telling myself that such an exercise is stealing a perfectly good day. Worrying and looking down the road for trouble (as in snowfall!) sucks the pleasure out of the present moment.
Let's try to let today be today—and find all the good things we can in it. We can tend to those problems and issues that need addressing as they arise. And at the same time, we can live in gratitude for all the joys and pleasures of the day. Right now, I'm grateful for mild weather in November!
Some people already are grumbling about what a rough winter has been predicted. I've let my thoughts wander there at times, too. But I really don't want to let those thoughts steal the beauty that is today. I have a choice.
How often do we do that in other ways as well? If you're like me at all, you spend far too much time worrying about things that never happen. What a waste. I keep telling myself that such an exercise is stealing a perfectly good day. Worrying and looking down the road for trouble (as in snowfall!) sucks the pleasure out of the present moment.
Let's try to let today be today—and find all the good things we can in it. We can tend to those problems and issues that need addressing as they arise. And at the same time, we can live in gratitude for all the joys and pleasures of the day. Right now, I'm grateful for mild weather in November!
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
'Can we all get along?'
It has become quite clear throughout this election season that we live in an extremely divided country—if it hadn't been abundantly clear prior to this. Perhaps it's understandable, given that we are a country of such diversity. However, I don't think it's necessarily a predictable outcome of such diversity. And, honestly, the divide does seem to have grown over these past few months.
I often return to Rodney King's question, "Can we all get along?" (Remember Rodney King, the African American taxi driver who was beaten by Los Angeles Police Department officers following a high-speed car chase in 1991?) No matter the circumstances of King's situation, the question remains a good one for us to raise again all these years later.
Can we all get along? Although we represent different races, cultures, creeds, genders, sexual orientations, viewpoints and more, isn't it possible that we can find common ground somehow through our common humanity? Isn't there more that unites us than that which divides us? Is transformation possible?
Where do we begin to make that happen? The only place we can begin is in our own heart. We start with ourselves—and move out to our families and friendship circles, then to those other groups to which we belong—and on out as far as we can reach with our connections. But it needs to begin with us. No finger-pointing. No blaming everyone else. I'm responsible. You're responsible. And, like the stone skipped into the water, the ripples will begin to spread outward further and further. Like peace-making, it must begin with us. We must be about building connections.
So ... where can I begin today to build common ground with someone? Where will you start? After all, it is up to us if we want to see our communities and society transformed.
I often return to Rodney King's question, "Can we all get along?" (Remember Rodney King, the African American taxi driver who was beaten by Los Angeles Police Department officers following a high-speed car chase in 1991?) No matter the circumstances of King's situation, the question remains a good one for us to raise again all these years later.
Can we all get along? Although we represent different races, cultures, creeds, genders, sexual orientations, viewpoints and more, isn't it possible that we can find common ground somehow through our common humanity? Isn't there more that unites us than that which divides us? Is transformation possible?
Where do we begin to make that happen? The only place we can begin is in our own heart. We start with ourselves—and move out to our families and friendship circles, then to those other groups to which we belong—and on out as far as we can reach with our connections. But it needs to begin with us. No finger-pointing. No blaming everyone else. I'm responsible. You're responsible. And, like the stone skipped into the water, the ripples will begin to spread outward further and further. Like peace-making, it must begin with us. We must be about building connections.
So ... where can I begin today to build common ground with someone? Where will you start? After all, it is up to us if we want to see our communities and society transformed.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Grounded & positive
It may not matter which political candidate you support for U.S. president. I'm willing to bet that you, like most of us, are ground down by all the negativity and offensive insults hurled around—including by some we call friends! Facebook, for example, is filled with nasty comments and heated disagreements. It can be exhausting and suck energy clean away from us.
I want so much to stay positive, to do what Michelle Obama said her family tries to do in the face of hurtful insults: "When others go low, we go high." I do so want to do that.
I will confess that it's really difficult, though. I have thoughts and feelings about what I see and hear. Sometimes I choose to just "pass on by" and let it go. And other times, I really feel the need to interject another viewpoint or express deeply held convictions.
Honestly, I will be happy when this is all over. But I'm also not stupid enough to think we'll all suddenly return to being positive, agreeable and happy individuals the day after the election. So it will be up to each one of us to make a choice as to how we'll comport ourselves afterward. Truly, we have that same choice now, too. Can we stay grounded and positive? Can we do that and still express convictions? Is there a way to do that? Can we listen to one another even when we have profound disagreements? Can we be respectful?
Let's just remember, we each have choices.
I want so much to stay positive, to do what Michelle Obama said her family tries to do in the face of hurtful insults: "When others go low, we go high." I do so want to do that.
I will confess that it's really difficult, though. I have thoughts and feelings about what I see and hear. Sometimes I choose to just "pass on by" and let it go. And other times, I really feel the need to interject another viewpoint or express deeply held convictions.
Honestly, I will be happy when this is all over. But I'm also not stupid enough to think we'll all suddenly return to being positive, agreeable and happy individuals the day after the election. So it will be up to each one of us to make a choice as to how we'll comport ourselves afterward. Truly, we have that same choice now, too. Can we stay grounded and positive? Can we do that and still express convictions? Is there a way to do that? Can we listen to one another even when we have profound disagreements? Can we be respectful?
Let's just remember, we each have choices.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Time to shed the masks
When we were young, we tried on several masks and suits of armor so we could protect ourselves from hurts and disappointments. We tried on those different masks or personas until we found some that worked to keep us from feeling too vulnerable. And after several years, those masks and suits of armor became so much a part of us that we scarcely knew who we were without them. Or we didn't know where a mask ended and we began.
One of my masks to avoid vulnerability is the one of extreme competence and toughness. Vulnerability to me is when I don't know what I'm doing—or when I feel weak and helpless. I project the image of strength and act as though I know what I'm doing even when I do not. That's what I learned to do when I was quite young. I'm trying to drop those now.
Here's the thing: As we age, we realize that our masks or suits of armor keep us from being completely authentic and real. We begin to realize the value of vulnerability. When I can show that I, too, am afraid and don't really know what to do in a given situation, others can admit to their fears as well. But when I act tough and strong all the time, others are afraid to speak about their fears and inadequate feelings.
So, though we added masks and armor when we were young, we do reach a certain age when we want to remove them. Having said that, I must clarify and say that we don't want to totally rid ourselves of them or pack them away in a closet forever. We can't "let it all hang out" with everyone in our lives. That simply isn't safe. There are times we need our armor of protection. There are some people in our lives with whom we definitely need masks. It's not safe to be unprotected.
You are the only one who knows just which masks to remove, when and with whom. It's your choice. You're the one who knows what authenticity looks like for you.
One of my masks to avoid vulnerability is the one of extreme competence and toughness. Vulnerability to me is when I don't know what I'm doing—or when I feel weak and helpless. I project the image of strength and act as though I know what I'm doing even when I do not. That's what I learned to do when I was quite young. I'm trying to drop those now.
Here's the thing: As we age, we realize that our masks or suits of armor keep us from being completely authentic and real. We begin to realize the value of vulnerability. When I can show that I, too, am afraid and don't really know what to do in a given situation, others can admit to their fears as well. But when I act tough and strong all the time, others are afraid to speak about their fears and inadequate feelings.
So, though we added masks and armor when we were young, we do reach a certain age when we want to remove them. Having said that, I must clarify and say that we don't want to totally rid ourselves of them or pack them away in a closet forever. We can't "let it all hang out" with everyone in our lives. That simply isn't safe. There are times we need our armor of protection. There are some people in our lives with whom we definitely need masks. It's not safe to be unprotected.
You are the only one who knows just which masks to remove, when and with whom. It's your choice. You're the one who knows what authenticity looks like for you.
Friday, September 30, 2016
How do you want to age?
Author May Sarton saw aging as a time of growth. Does that surprise you? In her journal At Seventy, she wrote, "I suppose I have always believed that one must live as though one were dying—and we all are, of course—because then the priorities become clear."
She also wrote, "...it is only when one is dying ... that one is allowed to shut life out and concentrate on 'the real connections'." Further, she said she loved being old because "I am more myself than I have ever been. There is less conflict. I am happier, more balanced, and ... better able to use my powers."
As you age, does that resonate with you? I do believe that, at least if we do our inner work, we reach that point where we integrate our inner and outer worlds. In other words, we want our actions to be completely compatible with our values and beliefs. That is how we get to be "more myself" as we age. That's how we have "less conflict" and how we're "more balanced."
It's all about choices. You and I get to choose how we age. True, we cannot choose whether we deal with illnesses. But we can choose whether or not we'll grow as we age. We choose our attitudes. We choose how much we wish to integrate inner and outer selves.
Do you have a vision for how you want to age? For who you want to be when you get older? Now is the time!
She also wrote, "...it is only when one is dying ... that one is allowed to shut life out and concentrate on 'the real connections'." Further, she said she loved being old because "I am more myself than I have ever been. There is less conflict. I am happier, more balanced, and ... better able to use my powers."
As you age, does that resonate with you? I do believe that, at least if we do our inner work, we reach that point where we integrate our inner and outer worlds. In other words, we want our actions to be completely compatible with our values and beliefs. That is how we get to be "more myself" as we age. That's how we have "less conflict" and how we're "more balanced."
It's all about choices. You and I get to choose how we age. True, we cannot choose whether we deal with illnesses. But we can choose whether or not we'll grow as we age. We choose our attitudes. We choose how much we wish to integrate inner and outer selves.
Do you have a vision for how you want to age? For who you want to be when you get older? Now is the time!
Friday, August 12, 2016
Stop wasting time—just be you!
No doubt we've all heard speeches from the time-management folks telling us how we can be more productive and how we can stop wasting time.
I'll bet this is a time-waster you never thought about! I just read that the average person wastes "a whopping 12 percent of their day—every day—comparing themselves to others." Whoa, really?
Now I don't know what kind of research they did to learn that information. But one thing I do know: We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others when it really isn't helpful to do so. It is detrimental to our relationships, to our sense of self and to our well-being and happiness.
If this is something with which you deal, make a focused effort first on awareness. Notice when you catch yourself comparing to someone else. Stop right there. If you need to ask some questions of yourself when you stop, do so—questions such as: Is it worthwhile to compare to that person? Not really, it won't get you anywhere. Are things as perfect for that person as they appear to be on the outside? Most likely, not. Knowing we're each the only one like us on the planet, why would I want to even try to be like that person? And here's the biggie: What would it look like to be the best me I can be? And what would it take to get there? Now that's more useful! Make the choice to be you—to be authentic.
I'll bet this is a time-waster you never thought about! I just read that the average person wastes "a whopping 12 percent of their day—every day—comparing themselves to others." Whoa, really?
Now I don't know what kind of research they did to learn that information. But one thing I do know: We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others when it really isn't helpful to do so. It is detrimental to our relationships, to our sense of self and to our well-being and happiness.
If this is something with which you deal, make a focused effort first on awareness. Notice when you catch yourself comparing to someone else. Stop right there. If you need to ask some questions of yourself when you stop, do so—questions such as: Is it worthwhile to compare to that person? Not really, it won't get you anywhere. Are things as perfect for that person as they appear to be on the outside? Most likely, not. Knowing we're each the only one like us on the planet, why would I want to even try to be like that person? And here's the biggie: What would it look like to be the best me I can be? And what would it take to get there? Now that's more useful! Make the choice to be you—to be authentic.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
The choices we make
I'm part of a women's group that will meet tonight. The hostess asked each of us to come with a list of our five favorites in three categories: books, movies and TV shows.
Oh, my—only five in each? That is really difficult. I could easily name at least 50 books, perhaps more. And lots of movies, too. Perhaps fewer TV series or shows, although I might surprise myself. I'm still finalizing and tweaking my list.
I have no idea how we'll use this information when we gather tonight. But I have no doubt that we'll have a fascinating discussion with some deep meaning once we discuss what it is that makes these choices rise to the top of our lists.
I'd love to hear what choices you would make. Such decisions say a lot about what we value and what we enjoy. What do you think?
Oh, my—only five in each? That is really difficult. I could easily name at least 50 books, perhaps more. And lots of movies, too. Perhaps fewer TV series or shows, although I might surprise myself. I'm still finalizing and tweaking my list.
I have no idea how we'll use this information when we gather tonight. But I have no doubt that we'll have a fascinating discussion with some deep meaning once we discuss what it is that makes these choices rise to the top of our lists.
I'd love to hear what choices you would make. Such decisions say a lot about what we value and what we enjoy. What do you think?
Monday, May 30, 2016
Decision-making simplified
"I'm just not sure," my friend said. "What do you think I should do?" I asked her how she really felt about the entire situation. What would she do if this happened? Or that happened? We talked a while, and I could tell she was processing as we talked.
At the end of our conversation I said, "I think you know what you want." She agreed. "Then," I said, "I don't think you need my approval." She said it helped to have my validation and affirmation for what she wanted to do. I totally get that. I like to run things by close friends or loved ones sometimes, too.
Thankfully, we have reached a stage of life where our decisions aren't based on what everyone else will think—or based on what others do with their lives. We get to decide based on how it seems best to us to proceed. It is so freeing. That type of decision-making still comes with responsibility to do no harm to others or ourselves. But it's so freeing to no longer worry: "But what will others think?"
Being authentic and living with integrity—it's a wonderful way to live.
At the end of our conversation I said, "I think you know what you want." She agreed. "Then," I said, "I don't think you need my approval." She said it helped to have my validation and affirmation for what she wanted to do. I totally get that. I like to run things by close friends or loved ones sometimes, too.
Thankfully, we have reached a stage of life where our decisions aren't based on what everyone else will think—or based on what others do with their lives. We get to decide based on how it seems best to us to proceed. It is so freeing. That type of decision-making still comes with responsibility to do no harm to others or ourselves. But it's so freeing to no longer worry: "But what will others think?"
Being authentic and living with integrity—it's a wonderful way to live.
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