What's your grounding level?

Are you feeling well grounded these days? On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being extremely off balance and 10 being well grounded), where would you place yourself?

Is something going on in your life that has you feeling "off" lately? A person in your life whose behavior is getting to you? A situation that has temporarily robbed you of your serenity and equanimity?

If so, what will it take for you to feel centered and grounded again? You are the only one who knows what you need at such times. Do you need to connect with friends or loved ones? Or do you need solitude? Do you need some inspiration—as from a favorite poet or author? Do you need time in nature? Or do you need a new dream?

I encourage you to find whatever it is that will make you feel whole and grounded again. Further, I invite you to check in on yourself from time to time to see how you're doing in that department. It's easier to make a course correction if you haven't become completely undone.

Let's hear it for serenity and even sanguinity. It can be a challenge in this crazy world of ours, but it's always worth your time to tend to your grounding and balance.

It takes age and youth working together

It's important no matter what age you are—whether at the young end of the spectrum or the mature end—to feel confident about your gifts and your usefulness to society. Sadly, we often hear negative comments about either end of the spectrum. Young people are too lazy and unwilling to put in the hard work and long hours required, we're told. And older people are told they're unproductive and over-the-hill in addition to being too expensive to keep in the work force. Just a side thought here: Some people are referring to us older members of the population as "perennials" because we blossom again and again. We're not finished just because the number "65" figures into our lives!

So one study done in an auto plant discovered something that really just sounds like common sense to me. Researchers studied teams comprising all young workers, teams of older workers and still other teams that were mixed. Can you guess which ones were more productive? I'm sure you can. Yup, the mixed groups. They had the knowledge and experience of older workers and the skill and speed of the younger ones.

That really doesn't seem surprising, does it? So it is important that we adjust our attitudes and realize it takes age and youth working together to make a healthy society. Let's appreciate each other and work together! It's called balance.

A 'wild heart'

I've written before about the difficulty of walking the tightrope between caring deeply about what's going on in our country and the world (all the deep divisions and inequities) and staying calm, serene and positive.

The book I referenced on Monday, Braving the Wilderness, by researcher and author Brené Brown, speaks to that, too.

Brown talks about having a "wild heart"—meaning to have a strong back and a soft, open front (strong and vulnerable at the same time). She says, "The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It's the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid—all in the same moment.

"A wild heart can also straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle in the world and fighting for justice and peace, while also cultivating its own moments of joy."

That really resonates with me, especially right now, as I continue to vacillate between deep sadness and intense anger at yet another school shooting last week—and the murder of more of our innocent children. I want us to all wake up and DO something about this. At the same time, I'm trying to maintain my sense of gratitude and grounding. It's exactly what Brown is talking about: trying to "straddle the tension."

What are your thoughts on this?

'No feeling is final'

Bohemian-Austrian poet and novelist Rainer Maria Rilke said the following:

"Let everything happen to you
"Beauty and terror
"Just keep going
"No feeling is final."

Rilke penned many thoughtful poems, the lines of which provide us a good deal of inspiration and food for thought. This particular part of his work reminds me of things I have read that encourage us to enter into life, its play and its work, with all our heart and soul—and at the same time, to do so without any attachment to the outcome.

I hear Rilke saying to simply ride the waves of what comes to us in life and just keep going. Whatever we experience now will not last forever. Don't get hung up on what's happened today. Some days it's beauty. Some days, terror. Keep a balance.

His words make so much sense to me. However, that doesn't mean it's easy. I get as hung up on things as the next person. I get attached to outcomes. I forget to ride the waves and simply say, "It is what it is."

I would like to live that way more often, though. So Rilke's reminder is a good one for me. How about you?

'Stay in the center'

I'm always struck by the fact that the absence of conflict doesn't always mean peace. Peace is so much more. So when I read poet Mark Nepo's words from Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred these words, I resonated:

"...the absence of agitation alone is not necessarily peace and the presence of such difficult feelings does not mean we are necessarily off-center. Rather, the task of being fully alive challenges us to stay in the center while feeling the full range of life on Earth. This is quite a task, which I'm not sure how to do. Nonetheless, listening way inside to these two teachers—the truth of things as they are and the experience of being human—I find myself here.

"... I'm not trying to run from the agitation in the name of peace, but trying to relax my being until I'm spacious enough to be a container for both: the peace and the agitation."

What images does that bring to your mind, to be a container for both? How do you manage to "stay in the center" even amid agitation and challenges? Can you hold things as they are and still feel at peace?

Some days I manage to do this; and other days, it's a real challenge. Actually, most days, it's a challenge. But I do find it so worth the effort when I can feel the balance. That's OK. We are each a work-in-progress, so there's no need to beat up on ourselves when we can't be "spacious enough to be a container for both."

Boundaries, bullies & balance

I can't tell you how many people these days tell me about workplace bullies and boundary issues. The bullying problems that children have in grade school and that follow them all through high school and into college don't stop once they get into the workplace. Sadly, some people continue to harass and bully others even when they become adults. So we have to deal with this for much of our life. And it's downright painful.

Boundaries are essential borders each of us sets around what behavior we'll accept from others and what behavior we won't endure. They are crucial when it comes to bullies. Sometimes bullies don't even see the hurt they cause. Perhaps they are so tuned in only to themselves or they are emotionally unaware. It's always worthwhile to try confront a bully who has disrespected or mistreated you in the workplace. You need to do so calmly, however; otherwise, the message will be lost as a bully likely will escalate the behavior if she/he feels threatened. Calmly state your desire: "Please do not shout at me when you ask me for something you need," for example. You may want to add the consequence if the behavior continues: "When you shout at me in the future, I will need to leave the room. I will be unable to fulfill your request. However, if you can speak to me respectfully, I will continue our interaction."

Don't give up if the behavior persists. Continue to calmly state your desire. Of course, if the behavior continues for weeks and months, you will want to consider stronger actions, such as keeping a written record of the behavior and reporting to a supervisor.

There's no doubt that it's difficult to keep a balance between ignoring bullies and confronting them by setting boundaries. And it's especially tricky in a workplace where you fear reprisal either from the bully or from management. As we know all too well, sometimes the bullies appear to win the day. However, your well-being and emotional health matter. So you need to do whatever you can to stay in balance. If you would like to discuss this in a complimentary coaching strategy session, I invite you to contact me.

Unplug and decompress

Have you ever had one of your electronic devices seize up or not function properly? No, that never happens, right? Hmmm, yup, far too often. Often, when we simply unplug the device or turn it off for a while, something gets reset and it will work properly when we turn it back on.

Don't you wonder why we don't think of that in relation to our own operating systems? Sometimes we simply need to be "unplugged" for a while. We need to step off the crazy treadmill of work, caregiving, volunteering, parenting, or just life and all its craziness—and let ourselves have a few moments (or even more than a "few moments") of peace and relaxation.

We need to decompress and get centered and grounded again. If that's good for our devices, it definitely should be good for us, too. It reboots and resets our brains and all systems, helps us unwind, improves our concentration, increases our creativity and problem-solving ability, enhances relationships and makes us more productive. This isn't just good for us; it's also good for our children, who also need unstructured time.

Interestingly enough, studies at the University of Michigan found that a lack of "me" time or privacy is actually a bigger cause of unhappy marriages than a less-than-satisfying sex life. So there you go. Give yourself the gift of time and learn how to unplug.

Serenity vs. knowledge

I don't know about you, but this has been a tough week to stay grounded and hang onto the joy! We began the week with news of the absolutely horrific massacre in Orlando. Add to that all the vitriolic comments online. Pump that up by several times with the awful comments by a "Christian pastor" in Arizona, who said he celebrated the killings of people from the LGBTQ community. Top it all off with the nominee of a major political party insinuating that our president is sympathetic to terrorists. It's all a bit too much.

I feel so torn. I want to keep up on world and national news. I also want to stay grounded and keep a positive, hopeful attitude. What's a person to do?! I want to find some balance between staying informed and feeling serene.

I need to take a break from news for half a day or a day. I need some quiet time. Perhaps a walk in the woods. Or a bike ride on a nature trail. Read some inspirational literature. I need to refocus—and reset my compass to true north. A little less knowledge via current events and a little more serenity—coming right up.

Such a balancing act

So much of life is a balancing act, isn't it? It's both/and and not either/or.

I was reminded of that again yesterday when I read in one of my favorite daily readings: "Rejection and opposition are painful, but being treated as if you don't exist is quietly devastating." Further on in the paragraph, I read, "Somehow our need for love gives tremendous power to the opinions of others, and so, we are required to guard against turning our lives over to the expectations of others." How true.

Yes, we do want and need the love of others. Sometimes that takes us places we don't want or need to go, though. I've heard people talk about twisting themselves into pretzel shapes just to please someone they love. No, we should not need to do that.

Yes, we do need love. And we also need to live our lives according to our own values, desires and gifts—not trying to simply meet the expectations of others. Sometimes those become competing forces. We need to find the point on the continuum where we can hold both things in balance: our need for love and our own expectations.

Connect with your center

My women's book club recently read and discussed Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea together with the historical fiction book about her life with Charles Lindbergh, The Aviator's Wife by Melanie Benjamin.

We agreed that reading about Anne Morrow Lindbergh's life helped us understand and even more deeply appreciate her wise words, which have inspired women for several decades already. In Gift from the Sea, Lindbergh uses seashells as inspiration. She gathered shells during a time of solitude spent in a cottage at the sea—a time when she was able to gather her thoughts and sift through her life experiences to distill the wisdom contained in them.

One of the shells, a moon shell, reminded her that she needed quiet time alone, time for reflection and contemplation. She describes the shell: "On its smooth symmetrical face is pencilled with precision a perfect spiral, winding inward to the pinpoint center of the shell, the tiny dark core of the apex, the pupil of the eye." She uses that shell to talk about connecting with our core—and about the importance of finding solitude in order to do so. She was able to connect with hers in that time of being alone at the sea. But the challenge, she noted, is to carry that attitude back to a busy life. "I cannot live forever on my island," she said, speaking of the moon shell. "But I can take you back to my desk in Connecticut.... You will remind me that I must try to be alone for part of each year, even a week or a few days, and for part of each day, even for an hour or a few minutes in order to keep my core, my center, my island-quality."

That's always the challenge, isn't it? To live a centered, balanced life amid the chaos and busyness—not just apart from it. How's your connection to your center?

The happiness equation

Yesterday I heard a discussion on the "Today" show on the topic of happiness. Naturally, I perked up. The show hosts cited a study at University College London that came up with the happiness equation. The study was done as a way to give doctors a subjective, quantitative way to measure mood disorders. Can you guess what the happiness equation is? Yup, low expectations!

As one who often gets hooked by my expectations (I am, after all, an idealist, a romantic and a recovering perfectionist!), I resonated with that. I know that when I have overly high expectations, I can easily get disappointed. So I often need to remind myself to lower my expectations or at least to lower my attachment to outcomes. When I am able to do that, I am not so disappointed. And sometimes, I'm overjoyed at the way something turned out. It was far better than I'd expected.

There's some balance needed here, however. You and I want to keep our expectations for some things high enough to challenge ourselves to reach our potential. You really are the only one who knows what the proper balance is for you. It's worth thinking about, though. Don't you think?

What do you need to stay grounded?

My to-do list is quite long these days. I've been away on vacation a good portion of this month and have lots of catch-up to do. But for some reason, I've been procrastinating on writing this week's blogs. That's not typical for me since I'm an over-achiever. I like to say I'm a recovering over-achiever; but my fiance will remind me that I still push myself pretty hard.

Anyway, after spending much of my morning doing other little odd jobs around the house—anything but my blogs—I stopped to reflect on what was going on with the procrastination. I realized that, as wonderful and fun as my vacation times have been, I'm really craving time to "just be" here in my own space. I need some solitude and some time to putter, time to sip coffee and read a chapter or two in one of my favorite inspirational books. I wasn't quite ready to dive right back into a busy work schedule again.

It's a good reminder to me of my own unique type of balance. To stay grounded, I need more quiet time and solitude than I used to when I was far younger. I am a relational person and absolutely love my time with others. But I also need time to think, dream and just be.

What do you need? Are you getting what you need—and in the balance that feels best for you? I encourage you to do everything you can to find your own sweet spot and then make it happen.

Independence: Finding the balance

Today is Independence Day here in the United States. It's a great time to think about what that means to you—and what it cost to enjoy the freedoms we have.

It's also an interesting time to think about your own independence and that of those you love. Merriam-Webster online gives this definition for independence: "freedom from outside control or support: the state of being independent." And Dictionary.com says this: "freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others."

The latter definition raises many questions for me, some of which have to do with the aging process. I remember when my mother, who died at the age of 96, fell several times in her home over a period of several months. My siblings and I decided that the local care center was the best option. Mom was not happy at all about leaving her home. It wasn't safe for her to remain there, however. At the same time, we all knew how difficult it was for her to lose her independence. She was no longer free from the control, support and aid of others. She was quite dependent, in fact, on the care—and the time frames—of others.

Today many young adults return home because of the difficulty of finding, and keeping, jobs in this tough economy. They aren't young children anymore. Yet they live under a roof provided by parents again. This brings with it a good deal of stress. How much independence can be allowed? Where's the balance—both for the young adult and for the parents?

Then there's our need for approval or "the like of others." To one degree or another, each of us has some need for that—so we're really not independent of others.

As with everything, finding a balance that works for you and those you love is important. Independence: It's really a gift, isn't it?

Balance positive and negative

I've been torn about this for a few weeks. A financial adviser I really trusted messed me up with taxes this year. Big time! He completely neglected to tell me about the impact that would result from a change in my finances he recommended and orchestrated. And to make matters worse, he refused to take responsibility—or to even talk with me, letting his assistants field my calls.

My intention for a few weeks has been to write him a letter about all this—and also to post some warnings about his behavior on social media sites.

I had mixed feelings about this, not wanting to dwell on negative issues and yet wanting to warn others either to avoid his services or to question him on everything he says and does. I still plan to handle this and complete my intention. But it's also interesting to me that I've put it off this past month. I am trying to live in gratitude and focus on positive things in my life. And when I think about writing this (former) adviser, my anger level rises all over again. I want to put it all behind me.

Yet, I know full well there's a balance in there somewhere. Even if I want to focus on positive things in my life, I sometimes need to respond to neglect, injustice and extremely poor service. And I can't fully put it behind me until I confront it.

So I'm committing to write the letter and deal with social media this week. Time to move on.

Living in the 'now'

Do you have trouble staying in the moment? Not living either in the past or in the future? Me, too. I'm trying to be more awake and aware—to pay attention to what's around me right now. However, it's easy to get caught up in our old stories (our past) or to be ensnared by plans (the future). Mind you, we have to do a bit of each of those.

The past is instructive for our present and our future. No doubt about that. So we do well to at least reflect on what happened and learn the lessons from that. And we certainly need to at least make some plans for the future. It's when either of those becomes more of a dwelling place that problems can set in.

I like what author Jan Phillips says about awareness and staying in the present: "If I drift into the past, my regrets surge up, my memories of failing and forsaking. If I shift into the future, I meet with doubt and discouragement, anxiety about what's to come, what I'm not capable of controlling. It's in the present moment that I belong. Only there do I feel my balance."

We don't need to live with regrets and failures. We don't need to get caught up in anxiety and doubt about the future either. Let's try to stay grounded right where we are—in the present. You can do that by paying attention to your feet on the ground or your bottom on the chair. You can do that by paying attention to your breath going in and going out. You can do it by letting yourself get below your neck: Don't just think. Feel. Get down into your body and feel what's happening in and around you. Notice sounds. Sights. Smells. Sensations. Try doing that for even five minutes of the day. Then 10. More. And see whether you can develop the habit of living in the present.

Keeping our balance

I always wonder how Hollywood stars and others manage their lives and careers when they go from obscurity to stardom. All that adulation and fame cannot be easy to handle.

The other day I saw a TV interview of Oscar Isaac, the Guatemalan-born star of the movie Inside Llewyn Davis. He discussed his own early attempts at becoming a musician and talked about his bit roles in other movies. He said when you start out, you take any role you can to get your foot in the door. Of course. I was impressed with his humanity and his humility as he spoke.

But when one of the panel asked him how he managed his new success and all the phone calls he must now be getting for good movie parts, I was especially impressed with his answer. He said, "I can't expect too much." He meant that he wanted to manage his expectations and not let them get out of control.

Ah, yes, there we are again with that word: expectations. It's a real trick to expect enough so that we can push ourselves beyond our comfort zones at times—and yet not have such high expectations that we're constantly depressed when they're not met. Where is the balance?

The balance shifts for you from time to time, depending on so many factors including what stage of life you're in and what the issue is. The balance also is very different from one person to another. Find where you are most comfortable, with just enough tension to keep you alive and passionate about life and also keep you happy and satisfied with your life.

Play—and recover wonder

We've had so much snow in the Chicago area lately. I know we're not alone in that. Where my youngest son's family lives (they've just moved from Phoenix to the high desert area of Oregon), they don't have piles of snow. So when I recently sent an iPhone photo of the snow outside my front door, my 7-year-old granddaughter wanted to come visit me and make a snow woman with me. Her first thought was of play!

You just know my thoughts were not about play as the snow continued to fall for days! Of course, I thought about all the inconvenience and about how little I like winter. (I did think about the beauty at those times when I was able to stay inside and just look out on the beautiful snow-covered pines in my back yard, however.)

Where do we lose that sense of play and wonder? Or when? Of course, because we are now responsible adults, everything can't be about making snow angels and snow women or men. Somehow, though, I wonder if it's possible to hang onto some of that sense? Does it all have to be about practicality and responsibility? Can it be both/and rather than either/or?

What do you think? How do you find a balance for that in your life?

On being human

Yesterday when I wrote this blog, I was having a bad and sad day. I felt zero creativity and energy. How on earth can I write an inspiring blog when I feel that way, I wondered.

So there I was, caught between those two points that are all too familiar to you and me as humans: the need to be real and be with what is—and the desire to rise above circumstances and stay positive. It's that life in balance once again, isn't it? Walking that tightrope of being human with all that means and also being the best self we can be, savoring all our moments and days. Quite a tightrope, isn't it?

When we face tough life situations, we make numerous decisions, most of them without thinking about it. Where we come down in terms of being with what is or staying positive and putting on our game face depends on the given day, how much sleep we've had, how much energy we feel, what the situation is, whether we've reached out to our support system and many other factors.

What helps you when you're on that tightrope?

Mine, mine, mine

Roots and wings. If you're a parent, you've probably given lots of thought to that concept. It's what we all were told we needed to provide as parents. We needed to provide the security of roots and a sense of belonging to our children, and we needed to help them grow wings that could spread and take them wherever they needed to go. And that's just what I did. If you're a parent with older children, you likely did that, too.

So my sons have spread their wings and long since flown the coop! They don't all live right next door to me anymore. They are my sons, but they aren't "mine" in an ownership sense. Most families have that experience these days since our society has become so mobile. So we must adapt—and savor whatever times we can with our kids and grandkids. It's important to be intentional about making time for each other in these days of insane schedules, even for the youngest of children. Everyone is booked and scheduled up to the hilt, it seems. Several of my grandkids are teenagers, so they really do have busier schedules than I do these days. They, too, are my grandkids, but they aren't "mine."

This puts us in touch with several issues: balance, expectations, the ability to let go and a sense of ownership. In Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have, he reminds us, "... the dearest things in life cannot be owned, but only shared" and says that our possessiveness and jealousy "often contaminates how we love."  Nepo urges us to loosen our hold on the things around which we feel "ownership," including relationships. This is a good reminder for me anyway, because at times I have expectations around relationships and time spent together that can cause me disappointment.

What's your experience? Are you good at finding the balance between roots and wings? Do you keep your expectations realistic? Are you able to let go of disappointments and expectations that don't materialize?

Balance, rhythm or groundedness?

Recently I heard a sermon about our attempts as Americans to find balance in our lives. If you see balance as the scales in each hand being even, it simply isn't possible. You cannot achieve perfect balance in all the aspects of your life: social, emotional, financial, physical, intellectual and vocational well-being. Yet, the pursuit of that is an endless preoccupation for many of us—and the failure to do so, the cause of much anxiety and stress.

Our pastor referenced Ecclesiastes 3 (made popular when Pete Seeger put it to music in 1959 in "Turn, Turn, Turn, to Everything There is a Season"), saying that you and I might be better served by thinking instead of moving with the rhythm of life. Both the Scripture text and the song speak of "a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [ or reap] what is planted ... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...." It's less about balance and more about being open to life's rhythms. In other words, go with the flow!

I've been thinking about that a lot since then. For a few years, I've preferred the idea of being grounded rather than the concept of balance. If I have my feet firmly planted on the solid ground of my beliefs and the knowledge of who I am and what is my best "operating system," I will be flexible and able to go with the flow of my life events. That requires me to really know myself well and know what sets me off, what sparks my passion for life, and what responses to fear and stressful life events work best for me. It requires me to be open to life's rhythms, to know when it's time to plant, when it's time to mourn, when things in my life need to die and be transformed.

When you and I are grounded, we are like the earthquake-proofed skyscrapers. We can flex with the winds of change. We can go with the flow and move with the rhythms of life. And that in turn makes our lives feel so much more in balance. So perhaps it's not either/or so much as both/and—as is true so much in life!

What do you think? I'd love to hear.