How do you want to age?

Author May Sarton saw aging as a time of growth. Does that surprise you? In her journal At Seventy, she wrote, "I suppose I have always believed that one must live as though one were dying—and we all are, of course—because then the priorities become clear."

She also wrote, "...it is only when one is dying ... that one is allowed to shut life out and concentrate on 'the real connections'." Further, she said she loved being old because "I am more myself than I have ever been. There is less conflict. I am happier, more balanced, and ... better able to use my powers."

As you age, does that resonate with you? I do believe that, at least if we do our inner work, we reach that point where we integrate our inner and outer worlds. In other words, we want our actions to be completely compatible with our values and beliefs. That is how we get to be "more myself" as we age. That's how we have "less conflict" and how we're "more balanced."

It's all about choices. You and I get to choose how we age. True, we cannot choose whether we deal with illnesses. But we can choose whether or not we'll grow as we age. We choose our attitudes. We choose how much we wish to integrate inner and outer selves.

Do you have a vision for how you want to age? For who you want to be when you get older? Now is the time!

Fertilizer & blooms

I love roses. There are so many flowers I enjoy, but roses are simply my favorite. We used to raise them, and I know how much their growth was aided by the cow manure we added to the soil.

I think we aren't so different from those roses—or from any other flower or plant. We are helped in our growth, blooming and transformation by more than a little fertilizer in our lives, too!

When you and I experience difficulties—what we might call the manure or crap in our lives—it just might help to remember not to get mired in it. Depending on what the situation is, we cannot always see that this experience will end up helping us grow and bloom. But generally, if we can keep things in perspective and not get stuck in the manure, those things become the fertilizer that allows us to bloom and grow. It does require some inner work to process what's happened and what it might mean. But the end result is real transformation and beauty in your life.

As I look back over my life, I see that it wasn't the successes and high points that helped me grow so much as it was those things I didn't like experiencing—those things that were, in fact, painful and sometimes downright awful. Does that mean I enjoy going through those difficult times? No, it certainly does not. It does mean, however, that I try to keep in mind that those times are part of the rhythm and cycle of life—that they won't last forever and that, in fact, they might just aid in my growth.

Anything in your life right now that could be fertilizer? Don't get mired in it—just keep on blooming!

Stop. Proceed with caution.

Recently I have been dealing with some relationship issues. I was in a quandary as to next moves and just how to proceed with these relationships. Through my work with a healing touch practitioner, however, I have gained so many insights that led me to a huge aha moment.

Before I think about how I can work things out with the others involved, I need to achieve more clarity on just what I want and need from the relationships. I have inner work of my own to do before I even know just what my next words or moves might be. While it leaves things hanging for a while, I firmly believe that the outcomes will be far better than had I just pushed ahead.

Sometimes it only makes sense to stop. Pay attention to the messages and urges you receive from inside and outside sources. Listen to them. Reflect on them. Then proceed with caution. When that happens to me, I know that I'm responding to a situation rather than reacting to it. In most cases, I also have an opportunity for some personal growth.

Isn't that better anyway? It seems win-win to me.

Look at yourself

Do you know people who constantly lash out at others when things go wrong in their lives? They always look for someone else to blame for everything that happens to them and for everything they don't like about their lives. Perhaps you've done that yourself at times? I know I have.

Placing blame seldom solves the problem, though, does it? It's kind of a dead-end. It makes us feel anxious and helpless. If we're not to blame, there are few choices and options to solve things. And we miss an opportunity for growth as well. Who knows what we'll learn when we step up? When we do the inner work required from stepping up?

Choosing to take responsibility is actually a sign of self-love. We love ourselves enough to encourage our acceptance of ourselves and to want change, personal growth and transformation. We love ourselves enough to know that we are strong enough—and able to be vulnerable enough—to examine what we do and our motivations for doing it. And we are strong enough to make changes, if that seems necessary.

Blame really isn't the point, is it? More important is what will you do now that this happened? What can you learn from it? What changes do you need to make to ensure that it won't happen again—or at least to reduce the chances of it happening again?

Avoiding some disappointment

Each year I choose a word or phrase that I keep at the back of my mind (or sometimes, the front) so as to change some behavior and assist in my personal growth. This year I chose "non-attachment."

Sometimes I get too attached to outcomes; my expectations get in the way and cause disappointment when things don't work out the way I had envisioned. And don't we often find that life has a way of not cooperating with our best-laid plans?! That can lead to lots of disappointment.

I can also get too attached to ways of thinking and belief systems. I want to have my values, beliefs and thoughts—and also be open to those of others without judging those. So I am trying to practice more non-attachment.

Mind you, non-attachment is different from detachment. Detachment is more a way of ignoring my thoughts and feelings. When I do that, those thoughts and feelings seem to pop up anyway—and often in ways I don't like. With non-attachment, the thoughts and feelings are there and I can acknowledge them. But then I can also set them aside and not let them rule. By setting them aside, I'm not letting them ruin my day. I can go with the flow a bit better because I have acknowledged my thoughts and feelings and then made a choice about what I'll do with them.

This is difficult work. But it's worth doing for me. What are you working on these days that's difficult for you? Don't give up. Our habits and ways of being took years to develop—it'll take time to make changes, too.

Aging is not about appearances

Are you becoming more comfortable in your own skin? Feeling more authentic each day? Finding your own voice?

One of the joys of aging is knowing who we are and accepting that. When we're younger, we try on different personas and sometimes copy others whom we admire. As we age, we're so done with that. It becomes more and more important to be exactly who we were created to be. Doing so is an ongoing process—and it can be a delightful journey as we come to enjoy who we are, what we have and what we're doing.

Yesterday I wrote about a book I really enjoy: Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women by Jean Shinoda Bolen. The author, also a psychiatrist, proposes reverting to the original meaning of the word "crone," which was a wise woman, an elder. Bolen proposes that we make becoming a crone "a crowning inner achievement of the third phase of life."

I like her description of a crone: "To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage, and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows."

All right. Sign me up. I'm enjoying this stage of life and truly like the increasing comfort of knowing and accepting who I am, flaws and all. What about you? Are you there? Would you like to be there? Why not take a step toward "crone-dom" today!

Brokenness & transformation

When a worm is cut in two, each half grows another half; and there are two worms rather than one. Each half becomes whole again. Amazing, isn't it?

When you and I are cut or wounded, this doesn't happen to us. However, when we are wounded and hurt, we do have the potential for transformation—inner transformation. When broken, we do have the possibility of becoming whole again. It is often true that our pain and woundedness, when we allow healing and growth to occur, can become a point of our greatest strength. Have you ever experienced that?

It was Ernest Hemingway who said, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

What makes the difference? As I've said in these blogs before, there are some life experiences from which it is so difficult to rebound that it literally kills people, either physically or emotionally. Sometimes people can be absolutely broken by violent and horrific experiences, and we should never judge that (even if we've walked in similar shoes). But for those who do survive—or even go on to thrive—the difference is actually moving into that place of pain and dealing with it in an open, honest and completely vulnerable way. Going to a place of transformation means feeling the pain and brokenness and living with that reality until we can live our way into the healing answers. This is a process and means reaching out to others, admitting we cannot do this all alone.

When life breaks you, or threatens to break you, imagine what you can do with all the broken pieces. Gather them up and see how they can fit back together again. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Please contact me if this is something you wish to discuss.

Listen to your mood

Sometimes I have clients who are working on a very specific issue. Then one day during a phone session, I sense that they are not really into the topic at hand. I ask questions and eventually learn that they have been in a funk or low mood lately.

I believe firmly that our moods can tell us something. Author and educator Parker Palmer says we need to listen to our lives. Yes, we do. And we also need to listen to our moods. They are filled with a lot of information if we stop and pay attention.

Take your emotional temperature today. Are you in a relatively upbeat mood—for you? (We each have our own version of "upbeat" and "funk.") Or are you really down? Or somewhere in between?

What's going on? Is it situational? Is it because of lack of sleep or poor eating lately? Or might it be something more? Is it something that has an easy fix?

Take action. You don't have to stay in a funk. Talk it over with someone close to you. Tell your doctor or talk with a coach. Journal. Think it through. Plan ways that you can regain equilibrium again. Do whatever it takes to move on.

It all begins with listening to your mood, taking your emotional temperature. Please take time to do that. If your car were sputtering or making a strange sound, you'd take it to the shop and have it checked out. Your well-being is far more important than your car! Contact me if you'd like to discuss this.

Tough old birds get scared, too

Life coaches need coaches, too! I've worked with several different coaches—and know I will do so again. For it seems we all have times when we just need someone objective with whom to talk about things we face or issues swirling about in our minds. We need an outside accountability partner.

In a lengthy conversation with my sister a couple days ago, I talked in depth about my desire to feel comfortable showing more vulnerability (I love having a sister as friend because she "knew me when" and I don't have to explain all my experiences!). When we finished talking, I had more clarity about things and I jokingly told her, "I'll need to send you a check because you just did a wonderful job of coaching me!" Talking it over and having her ask questions I might not have thought of really helped me.

And here's the thing: So much of my life, I've been the one with the answers. The strong one. I'm the Enneagram 8, for goodness' sake! (If you aren't familiar with the Enneagram and its nine types, I really recommend it. It's a pretty amazing tool for self-discovery and for understanding those close to you as well.) I learned when I was quite young to be strong and to not admit to not knowing things. As with many things, it is both blessing and curse. It has meant I've been able to survive—and thrive—in the 27 years since my divorce. It meant I was able to survive—and, yes, even thrive—in a sexist workplace for years. But it also can get in the way in close relationships. And sometimes I just wish others understood that inside this "tough old bird" shell, there's also a scared little bird.

Before I can expect others to understand that, however, I need to find ways to really connect those two birds! I want to be both/and. I'm not one or the other. I'm both—and at the same time. Even when I am strong and certain on the outside, there's that scared Sonia inside wondering whether she really will be OK. So in 2013 I want to move toward even greater wholeness. I don't want to lose "strong Sonia." I just want her to let "scared Sonia" have her say, too!

Whoa, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable to put all this out there. But I think it's a step in the right direction. Thank you, dear sis, for encouraging me on this life journey! You would make a good life coach!

Life and death: process & possibility

Remember I said yesterday that a friend responded to my request for blog topic ideas saying she's thinking about death lately?

What that means for my friend is that she's really living in the NOW. She's using her time with family and friends to the fullest. Enjoying life. Saying what she needs to say. She says that she's so much more aware these days of life being a process—and of everything in life being a process. How true. I'm not sure that's something I realized when I was far younger either.

My friend spoke of equating death with birth: "Labor pains are tough, sometimes downright mind-bending. But the actual process of the baby appearing is not painful. Possibly death is the same way. The process leading up to it may be downright scummy, but the moment of death I expect to be peaceful."

She is absorbing lots of life lessons these days. My friend is extremely good at doing the inner work required to really engage life as a process—and as possibility. She inspires me to be better about living in the moment. I don't want to lose the time I have (all we know for sure is that we have this moment right now!) to living in the past or trying to anticipate what the future holds. I want to be here now! 

Consider what poet Mary Oliver asks in her poem "The Summer Day": "What do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Spring cleaning

Today is officially the first day of spring. When I grew up, and even in the early years of my marriage, that signaled the time for spring cleaning. Just as did my mother, I tore every room, every drawer, every closet apart and cleaned it out. I got rid of things. I organized what was there. I washed and dusted and cleaned. I keep a clean home now, but I don’t get quite that crazy anymore!

However, this makes me think of inner clutter as well as the external clutter of our lives. Is it time for you to let go of some things that are holding you back? Do you have so much old baggage that you can’t move forward with something you really want to do?

This is a good time to take the pulse of your life. Are you where you want to be? Is there something more you want to be or do? Make choices today that will get you where you want to be. Let go of attitudes, fears, old griefs and losses, things that shrink your world and your choices.

Clean inside and out
I have a good friend whose business is decluttering homes (or offices) and organizing them. She tells me that when she helps people clean out, toss and organize, her clients report that they feel lighter inside, too.

If a good spring cleaning helps you begin the process of inner decluttering, dive in. It just may be the start you need. And if you need help letting go and moving toward the good things you so yearn for, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Happy spring!

Ready to fly?

A few months ago I rediscovered a book I had read and enjoyed years ago: Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus. As the author says, it’s a “tale of a caterpillar who has trouble becoming what he really is.”

Sound familiar? Do you ever have trouble accepting who you really are? Or doing what it takes to use the gifts you were given and become all you were meant to be?

Here’s one of my favorite parts in that book:

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively.

“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

“You mean to die?” asked Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky.

“Yes and No,” he answered. “What looks like you will die but what’s really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn’t that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?”

Ready, set, go
So—are you at a point of change, feeling like a caterpillar who just might need some cocoon time before you transform into that beautiful butterfly you were meant to be? What dreams, yearnings, longings are as yet unfulfilled for you? What will it take to reach them?

Get ready to soar! Imagine your life as a butterfly. Your view is so much larger, so much more beautiful when you’re in the air than when you’re a caterpillar crawling along the ground.

Sign up for my three free gifts to see whether you are ready. And then let go. Let go of the old. Do the inner work to prepare for the new (cocoon time). Take whatever time you need to make the necessary changes. Then get ready to fly!

From the heart and onto a page

It’s winter where I live. This is a time for hibernating, for staying inside (or going inside), for comfort foods and for reading books or indulging in those quiet, indoor activities. Here in Illinois when spring comes, I can’t wait to get outside, go for walks, plant herbs and flowers and open my windows to let in the fresh air.

Today I’ve been thinking that I want to take advantage of this indoor time and get back to journaling. I keep several journals—sometimes writing in them regularly and other times, more on an as-needed basis. I have a journal in which to write what’s going on inside and around me. I have a Dreams Journal to keep track of those things I long to do someday. I have a Gratitude Journal to remind me of how thankful I am for all life’s blessings.

And I have a “Value Journal” recommended to me years ago by my spiritual companion at a time when I felt especially devalued in my workplace. She encouraged me to make entries into this journal when I received affirmations and compliments, to note the person, the date and the situation as well as what was said. She invited me to check in my VJ whenever I needed a boost. And, believe me, I have gone back to read some of the entries and gotten that shot in the arm I needed.

What do you need?
Do you have some inner work you need to do? Would some type of journal help you? There are so many types in addition to those I’ve named—and so many ways of journaling. Some people draw pictures rather than write, and these don’t have to be professional artwork. The art can be a simplistic drawing that represents what you’re feeling. Some people just write words or phrases rather than full sentences. And although I’m a trained journalist as well as a life coach, I do not edit my journal writings. I simply let my thoughts flow onto the page.

Journals are for your eyes only. These aren’t for publication, so you need not worry about grammar and punctuation. Let the thoughts flow onto the pages without censoring.

If this interests you, find yourself a lovely journal that appeals to you and feels good in your hands. Or just buy an inexpensive notebook. The important thing is to start—and to express the deepest longings of your heart. You might be surprised what you’ll learn about yourself and about life!